Ruby's View

What I Learned on My Memorial Day Weekend...

2009-05-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I stepped into the pages here at Ruby's View - and for that, I'm so sorry. I have no good excuse - I don't have ricketts, or carpal tunnel syndrome. I was not concussed by a random street thug, and my internet connection was fine.

I was, mostly, looking for jobs, working a bit, and doing some writing on the other site I've got going. And frankly, I couldn't bring the funny for y'all, so I had to take a breather...

But have no fear - I'm back!

I know, you're just waiting with baited breath for the update of all that has happened since we last met.

First, the important stuff: it's official "bike to the bar" time in Chicago. The temperatures hover frequently above 60 during the day, and that means that on a random Saturday night, you'll find me primping and preening, rolling up my right pants leg, unlocking the lucky hybrid bike I own, and pedaling one mile to my favorite bar: The Hopleaf.

The Hopleaf is a bar in Andersonville, the neighborhood just South of mine. It's got the best steamed mussels on the planet (in a lovely white wine sauce which even I can't believe I like), and over 100 beers on tap. They also carry my favorite American craft brews, from Dogfish Head in Rehobeth, Delaware.

I fell in love with Dogfish Head beers in New Hampshire, and then a little bit more in Maryland, and, well, I fell hard. Heavy beers with great flavor and over 8% alcohol made me funnier, smarter, and definitely more intoxicated than your average glass of bad hotel cabernet, and I am now known as "Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA Lover" in these parts. (Okay, that's a mouthful, but it really is the best beer ever.)

Anyway, when I'm at the Hopleaf, I can generally be found nursing one of these life-transforming beverages. Three weeks ago, my friend and I sat down at the bar after a night out. It was midnight, and there were two seats free (which is unheard of). We met the CUTEST bass player from Lexington, who also happened to be a whisky salesman, who was telling us just how much he wanted to dump his little 24 year old girlfriend who came with "a bullet train worth of baggage".

He, notably, claimed only to carry a knapsack of luggage. We took in the whiskey salesman part of his cover and figured he was carrying a footlocker, but who were we to judge? It was 1:30 by this time, and we were a bit intoxicated.

By 2:00 we had instructed him on how to get his favorite leather coat back (blackmail disguised as an open trade of belongings); and the best place to have the "it's not working" discussion (not at their shared place of work, maybe?). And we had a new, funny friend.

And by 3:30, we had unlocked our bikes, made an emergency stop at White Castle, and headed home to the birds singing in the trees.

Now, this weekend was nearly as much fun. A group of five friends and I met up at The Hopleaf again, talked for hours, left for pizza, and then two of us came back, again, for seats at the bar. This night's fun was a bartender from up the street who told me I had "leadership eyes" (which I think is the same as "tiny eyes devoid of makeup on a woman who looks like she can beat the crap out of you") and told my friend that she had a good heart. She also had on her sexy jeans, but we aren't going there.

Anyway, he was fun, but before we knew it, 3:30, last call, light's up, and I'm trying to figure out why my bike lock is being so stubborn. With an audience.

Two random guys (one mute, the other with hair just long enough to scream "I'm a writer") stoppped to give me shit for my inability to unlock the bike. I blamed the Dogfish, completed the herculean task, rolled up my pants to avoid snaggage, and got on the bike. After they tried to ply us with a trip to a bar open till 5:00, we headed back North to our respective homes, hoping to beat the birds.

It didn't happen. The birds were up and chirping by the time my friend locked her gate. As she called to confirm a safe arrival, I realized I definitely had the good end of this deal: her cats had drug the Ritz crackers we had taken to the beach, to her bed. Desperate for some buttery goodness (even the low-fat variety) they had scratched and scratched to get into the sleeve, with no avail.

So what I really learned on Memorial Day weekend is this: put away the crackers, step away from the beer, and always make friends at the bar.

Maybe not quite what Ruby would have wanted, but I think she might have enjoyed the weekend if she were here. Okay, except that whole biking thing....

Hope you're all doing well, and I'll keep you more up to date about life in the city...

City Living

2009-04-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

People from Cincinnati often ask me how I like living in Chicago. I've been here more than 10 years now, and mostly, they assume I like it. They're right.

Chicago's the perfect city, in my humble opinion. We have great parks, the gorgeous lakefront, a (mostly) decent economy, good restaurants, theatre, music, and people. And we're still in the heart of the midwest. We can fly anywhere in the country in about 3 hours (with some exceptions) and we don't have to spend an arm and a leg to do it.

But city living is, frankly, city living. It means there are a lot of people in tight spaces. It means traffic, and a 10% sales tax (thanks, Cook County Board of Commissioners! I'll be voting you out soon!!!). It means an ancient public transportation system that is unworthy of a city our size. And, despite the fact that we have wonderful, amazing neighborhoods, it means noise.

I live in a beautiful old building in a two bedroom condo. There is a basement below me (no neighbors) and only one set of neighbors with whom I share walls. They're above me - and nice people - a couple, with a dog. The dog, per restrictions, is less than 45 pounds. He's pretty tame. The couple, without restrictions, are also appropriately sized. And mostly, they're pretty quiet. I think they're students. But, to be honest, when I was working and going to Racine, Wisconsin every day, I wanted to murder them. Every morning. Because they generally go to bed around 11:30 p.m. I went to bed at 10. Quietly. Them? Not so much.

Do you know what a dog leash sounds like when dropped on a hardwood floor from five feet? Or what a pocketful of change sounds like as it hits the floor and rolls around?

On concrete, it's nothing. It disappears into the abyss. But on 100 year old hardwood, with little insulation between floors, it's like someone playing the Liberty Bell in the room above. I tried everything. Ear plugs, alcohol, going to bed earlier, going to bed later. I slept in my second bedroom (their TV room above me). I laughed, I cried. I read. Usually by Wednesday night of a given week, I was so exhausted that I slept regardless of how loud they were.

Ironically, now that I'm out of work, I can't seem to hear them. Maybe it's because I go to bed after they do - but even in the morning, when I know they're running around up there, it doesn't phase me. I'm guessing that's because I can roll over and sleep for another 2 hours if I want to - which seems SO wrong, but is really SO right.

Anyway, that's not the only noise we get. Soon, it will be spring. (I know, where you live, it may already be spring, but until we get 10 days above 50 degrees in a row, I'm refusing to call it). That means open windows, and birds in the morning, and squirrels running around at night (yes, dammit, they are squirrels, they are NOT rats...well, most of the time. Let me live in my delusion, okay?) Anyway, the windows are going to be open. The occasional hoodlum will ride by with his H to the I to the Z to the Izzo blaring out the window (but he's rare, really). And other sounds will wander in - people walking home from a night out, bikers zipping up my street to head North. Did I mention the birds? Allow me to detour, because yes, in reality, this scene plays through my head on more occasions than I like to admit:

City Living Video: Take One

But you know what? They're not that bad. I live 3 blocks from the train, and when it's quiet, late at night, I can hear it roll by. When I was growing up, we always heard the trains - even though they were far away - rolling down along the Ohio River. It's a sound that I have always associated with home. And maybe that's why that noise - my kind of ambient noise - is not that hard to bear.

Don't get me wrong. I'd still like to play Liberty Bell to my neighbors some mornings (Saturday morning runs at 6:30 are REALLY fun in the summer!). But for the most part, I'm learning to live with it. Twelve years in, I've adapted. Sort of. Through ear plugs, alcohol, and a ceiling fan. I feel like Ruby would shake her head at me - what a softie her granddaughter is! But then again, maybe she'd be just as happy that I'm here at all - just a little bit far from home, living in the best city in the world.

A granddaughter can dream....

Distractathon

2009-04-20T13:24:00.001-07:00

I think there should be a new Olympic event added to the next games.

Distractathon (n.)
Competitors will select from a series of events to distract them from everyday life. Including Watching Useless Television, Talking To Yourself, Cleaning The Kitchen, Analyzing Your Checkbook, and Catching Up On Junk Mail, participants will attempt to avoid all "real" responsibilities by using these Distracting Events. The winner will be the person who successfully avoids performing any real life work for a period exceeding 2 days.

Clearly, this is an endurance event. But I think that perhaps I'd win.

So what distracts you from thinking (or managing) everyday life? Is it the garden? Cooking a new recipe? Catching up on the neighborhood gossip? Admit it - you've got a "go to" for avoiding life - we all do.

And while it doesn't necessarily amount to an Olympic sport, it DOES keep us from dealing with the things we don't want to address. I'd argue that there is a place for it - some days, you just don't want to deal, right?

But, then again, maybe there's a reason there's no Avoidance Olympics. Because if we all avoided, for this long, we most certainly would NOT be the Land of Opportunity. We'd be the Land of Empty Gas Tanks, the Land of Past-Expiration Date Refrigerator Contents, and the Land of Shoes Without Soles.

I, for one, am off to make my kitchen The Land Without Dishes.

See ya on the backside!

Big Brother's Always Watching

2009-04-10T02:03:00.000-07:00

About 10 years ago, I clearly recall sitting at a bar with a bunch of the girls on my softball team. We were accountants, and operations folks, who all worked (at one time or another) for Ernst & Young.

We got to talking about those "membership" cards that you got at the grocery store. In Chicago, it's a Dominick's or a Jewel card, and it gets you special deals and discounts at the store. One woman was adamant that she would NOT get the card, because she did not need nameless corporations tracking what she ate, and how often. She wanted her privacy to remain in her control, and to hell be damned if she couldn't cash a check at the grocery store.

At the time, I didn't think much of it. Some of my friends thought she was overreacting. Some figured what they ate wasn't ever going to be headline news. I just thought that it was too much trouble to go to the store and fill out the application for the card, so it wasn't an issue I had.

I changed my tune on that last year (yes, it took 9 years for me to break down and fill out the app.) I moved into a neighborhood with a Dominick's. In Chicago, Dominick's has better produce than Jewel; and it's a block away from my apartment. I figured, why spend all the extra money if I didn't have to? So I signed up, and took no notice of what I bought.

Then, I joined Costco. Costco's a membership club - I basically pay $50 a year to buy cheap electronics, wine, english muffins, and DVD's. And, occasionally, a large box of something chocolate that should last 8 weeks, but really lasts for two.

But last weekend, I had my day of reckoning with Big Brother knowing everything I eat. I mean, sure, I've wondered: does the fact that I buy Thomas' English Muffins (Multigrain, Low-Fat, one "point" on Weightwatchers) every two weeks send up a flare? What about my intermittent fish purchases? Are they indicative of someone who's not fully willing to commit to a diet high in Omega-3s?

But I digress. I came home, a week after purchasing my first, large bag of trail mix. I've been doing more walking and the weather's getting better, so I wanted to have a cheap bag of decent mix to take out on hikes. When I got home from running, one week later, I had a message on my voicemail. From Costco. Telling me that they knew that I had recently purchased my trail mix, and that it had pistachios in it, and that it had been recalled.

It was an automated message, yes. And it wasn't like they were standing in my kitchen. But I have to admit, it comforted, AND freaked me out at the same time.

On the upside, they warned me about the pistachio issue a full WEEK before anything went out on the news. Downside: I was reminded, yet again, that they know EVERYTHING you purchase.

I worked for a consumer products company briefly last year. I know the kind of data that is available on buying behavior. And I'm not sure, frankly, that I'm hip to being used as a marketing tool.

But if sharing my data just saved me from one sick day (which, for a girl who is underinsured at the moment, can be important), or from one day hugging the porcelain god - well, then, I think I'm just about reconciled with Big Brother watching what I eat.

At least until they tell me my chocolate is compromised. Then I think I'll just take to my bed, anyway.

Things I learned today....

2009-04-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

Unemployment occasionally has its advantages.

Today, my little sister (bless her heart) woke me up at 9:30 to talk about a trip she took two weeks ago. Since the trip wasn't changing between 9:30 and 11:00, I wasn't certain what compelled her to call at such an ungodly hour, but I did, at least, owe her a short chat.

Lesson No. 1 of the day: don't take your cellphone to bed.

Later, I made a yummy egg scramble with red and green peppers, spinach, and reduced-fat cheddar cheese. Then, when looking up the nutrition information, realized that "reduced fat shredded cheddar" is actually listed as a "cheese product" in my Calorie and Fat counter (circa 2005).

Lesson No. 2: "cheese products" have neither flavor, nor a place on your eggs. Just skip it and add more salt.

This afternoon, I found myself yelling at a lovely woman from Chase, who, apparently, I had confused with a scammer who called last week about "my account" and lowering an interest rate. This woman was merely checking to make sure that I knew my account had been transferred to Chase, from Wamu. Yeah, yeah.

Lesson No. 3: Don't paint all scammers with accents with the same brush. But don't give them any information on the phone, either.

And finally, this evening, after a successful day of Weight Watchering, and counting all my points, and eating perfectly healthy, I saw an ad for Dunkin Donuts while watching ER. Citing forces beyond my control, I found myself whipping up a batch of Ruby's Peanut Butter cookies without thinking.

Lesson No. 4: Don't leave the Big Girl alone with butter, sugar, and eggs when there's a Lifestyle Change afoot. It never ends well.

And with that, I'm putting the uncooked batter in the fridge, and going to bed!

God Said Ha!

2009-03-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, just because it's too wrong not to share:

Last post: SPRING IS COMING.

Forecast for tonight: 3-7 inches of SNOW (YES, the FLUFFY, WET, COLD, WINTER-ESQUE white stuff) for tomorrow.

Number of people registered to run the "Shamrock Shuffle" 8K in downtown Chicago tomorrow morning: 35,000

Number of idiots running in the snow and slush, thinking they were going to be running in shorts and tanks: 10,000

Number of smartypants home in bed (just my guess): 25,000

Me? Snug as a bug in a rug. Screw spring. I'm sleeping in :)

Spring is Coming!!!!

2009-03-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

And here, my best signs that Spring is actually coming to Chicago:

1. The boiler located underneath my unit does not run from 1:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. (interittently turning off every three minutes or so, then back on) all night long.

2. The Lake is no longer covered by icebergs, as far as the eye can see.

3. I can't leave my Diet Coke outside the back door for 5 minutes and have something that is ice cold. Dammit.

4. I actually have to use moisturizer on my arms, because there's a chance someone will see them and run, screaming at my dry skin. (No risk when it's cold as we Nannok of the North ourselves all winter here.)

5. The running gear bag no longer contains YakTrax, which are designed to grip the snow like chains on a tire. Dont' get me wrong, it doesn't mean I've put them away. But they're no longer "in the bag".

6. There's a serious increase in the postings on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" site, as people leave their homes and start looking for a lil lovin. It's spring. People have hope. Also, there has been a slight increase in the amount of men viewing my profile on Match.com. Note that hope doesn't necessarily mean ACTION.

7. David Letterman got married. Seems more like a "hell freezing over" moment, but hey, I'll take it as a sign of spring.

8. All the dog poo that people left in the snow during the winter is now lying on the ground, melting. It's lovely.

9. At least once a week, I wake up, and open all the windows without checking the temperature. Thirty minutes later, I'm a shivering mess. But at least I'm awake!!!

10. People are grilling. Really, is there any better sign than grilling? I think not!!!!

How the Single Girls Roll

2009-03-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about the difference between single midwestern girls, and the common perception of "Single in the City". Between what Hollywood, and advertisers, and, heck, even all of our married friends, think of our "glamorous" life, and what it really looks like.

I'm not sure, when Hollywood drafts up its idea of how we roll, it really has a good idea. Do I want to look like Kate Walsh, kiss Dr. McDreamy, and drive a ruby-red Cadillac? Oh, sure, maybe...but my life is just a tad more...well...real?

Take today. I picked up my friend up this afternoon for some serious errand running. We headed North, into the afternoon rush, and first hit Costco (yes, even I sometimes tempt the fates of Crazy and Death and North Shore Jewish Women by walking into a big-box store in Skokie on a Sunday.)

Now, in Carrie Bradshaw's world, I would have run into a handsome 40-something trying to decide between the latest Smartphone, while sporting just-perfect denim and a fine leather shoe. I would NOT have been wearing running shoes, and I most certainly would have had on some lip gloss. (Um, yeah. It's Sunday. You can guess how I looked.)

Instead, I found myself chatting up a customer at the Verizon counter, trying to find out the difference between DVR-R and DVR+R for my friend Val. That friendly customer? He told me first, not to leave my purse on the cart, because he was a cop (And no, contrary to popular opinion, music does NOT cue and the lights dim when this happens. I do, however, find myself giggling like a ten year old. It's pretty embarrassing, especially since I have on gym shoes and no lip gloss.)

After overlooking the fact that he was in sweatpants in a public place, he was actually very helpful. He went on to recommend storage solutions, (portable hard drives?), read the instructions on the DVRs, and generally chat us up. It was lovely. Mostly because he outweighed me and didn't have a ring on his finger. But it wasn't quite what Carrie goes through on a Sunday, right?

I also have a hard time imagining the conversation we had in the Toilet Paper section. Yes, you read that correctly.

Me: "What are you doing?" I asked as I approached my friend.

Friend: Muttering, punching numbers into her phone. "$18.99 divided by 15,000 sheets equals .001 cents per sheet."

Me: "But that's for the Scott stuff. It's not very nice to your ass."

Friend: "Okay, so the Charmin is how much?"

Me: "$19.99 less the $2.50 coupon, is $17.50. And there's 30 rolls with 1500 sheets per roll. So it's $17.50 divided by 7500."

Friend: "That's .002 cents per sheet."

Me: "Well, the Charmin is more expensive, but personally, I find that I use more of the cheap stuff because - well, it doesn't quite get the same coverage."

Friend, looking at me like she didn't need to know this information. "I think you use what you use, you know?"

Me: "Yeah, but really, doesn't your ass deserve the very best?"

She bought the Charmin.

But really, that wasn't the best part of the day. Next, we went to Lowe's (my friend and I). She purchased a 52" ceiling fan (which her brother is going to install next week). Then we looked for the appropriate lightbulbs (a process nearly as difficult as calculating the per sheet price of toilet paper); and then she bought the storm door that she had measured for, and we had pre-selected a few weeks back.

She also smartly picked out the thermostat that she needed (a programmable 5/2 day one) AND selected the energy-saving dimmer switch to go along with the fan.

And THEN, we loaded it all into my big ole Santa Fe. Even the 82" door!!! Two city chics. Loading up the Santa Fe. And since there weren't any magically appearing Men-Elves to help us get it into her unit, when we arrived at her condo, we hauled it up the two flights of stairs. Because we're damn good.

Now, I know Beyoncee sings about All the Single Ladies, and Shonda Rhimes writes great characters for Grey's (sometimes). And there are some great women writers out there. But this, my friends - this is what we single ladies do here. In Cincinnati today, my mom probably bent over 1,000 times (and no, she wasn't praying to the Hindu God of anything, she was just weeding her yard.

So yes, we still need brothers and friends or the occasional installer to put that door into its place. But we're the ones running that show. We measure. We haul. We lift, and we (often) drop. But we do take care of ourselves, and each other, more than you might think.

So the next time your friendly neighborhood single girl shows up for a party, or dinner, give her a little bit of credit - because she's probably running a pretty big show on her own - and, probably doing it pretty well.

Because that's how we real single girls roll.

No, Really, It's NOT About Me!

2009-03-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's grown up and wandered into the great outside world knows that there are a LOT of people who can scare you out there.

A few years back, I had the misfortune to date one of them. Sort of. He wasn't scary in the "get me a restraining order" sense - but other ways. Big ego. Total lack of accountability. Smart enough to get away with things, but not forever.

Recently, I worked for someone who exhibited some of the same tendencies. Notoriously, and unapologetically, late to every important meeting (because they were, say, getting their hair done); the need to be constantly complemented "no really, YOU'RE the best dresser ever!" (as I noted that really, she needed three more inches on those pants to compensate for the shelf on the backside).

And I think, over time, I've learned how to deal with these folks.

RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND.

No, it's not quite that bad, but almost. Generally speaking, I refer to them as narcissists. When Psycho Boy was really done messing with my head, I spent some quality time at the local Borders, going through the American Psychological Association's DSM-IV (which lists out all the ways in which one can be certified crazy). And I found, frighteningly, that he met most of the criteria. Since then, I've been on the lookout for other dudes who fit that criteria, and I do run (well, you know me, waddle) when I see them coming.

So imagine my surprise today when I saw this article on Slate talking about whether the narcissists are to blame for the current state of Wall Street (and, frankly, Main Street). The point made is that many people claim we all became Mini-Psycho Boys (of the material variety) in the past few years, buying up everything we could, centering the world around our consumerism, etc. etc.

I'll spare you the long read, and tell you the conclusion, however, which made me feel better. We're NOT all narcissists. To really be one of those, you'd need a striking lack of empathy; a desire to make yourself much more important than you really are; and a belief that normal rules just don't apply to you.

(And I know what you're thinking - my driving DOES NOT make me a narcissist, really).

So see, don't you feel better? This economy, it's not all your fault! It's not all my fault! At least, not because you have a diagnosable pschological disorder. Now your credit card debt, that's another story :)

It's Like Dating...Only Different...

2009-03-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've been searching for an analogy that accurately describes the dance between job hunter and job recruiter. Given all the different elements at play - power, intrigue, salesmanship, personal connection, and personal fulfillment - well, I couldn't help but think of dating.

Take, for instance, mystery. How much do you reveal on the first date/call? Do you tell your new recruiter up front why you left your last job after six months? Or do you let that hang until he's had the good sense to dig a little deeper? In the dating world, it's the equivalent of "so, what's the longest relationship you've been in?" If the answer is "three months", that's not necessarily something you want to reveal on Date One. (It scares them away, trust me.)

And then there's that awkward "where are we going with this?" moment. In a real relationship, you've got at least a few dates before THAT awkward conversation. Typically (not that I've got much recent experience here) asked after several glasses of wine and a particularly nice night out, when you're wondering if he's going to be around next year...

I had forgotten that, in the job hunt, this conversation - and the "what's your ideal date" conversation - comes at you fast. Like, first phone call fast. Yesterday I was speaking with a recruiter for a staffing firm, who, having seen my "diverse" background in public accounting, wanted to know "what I was looking for". And immediately I felt like I was back on Match.com, searching for Mr. Right.

"In order of priority, I'd like him to be kind, funny, intelligent, financially solvent, and - ideally - taller than me."

Oh, wait...that's the dude part.

"Actually, I'd like a job where I can use the compliance, analytical, project management, and client relationship skills I've built in ten years of consulting."

Which, in dude speak, means "I'll take any guy who is willing to date me."

As you might imagine, this is not exactly a position of power. So, I guess it's back to doing what we always do in these situations: tell the other person what you THINK they want to hear, in order to get close to what YOU want.

Ergo, for the finance guys: "I'd really like an opportunity to work in a strong team of dedicated finance professionals who are interested in making strategic recommendations, and providing good analytics to help the business unit."

Oh, and for dude speak, that would be "I'd like him to be breathing, funny, taller than me, and preferably work in Finance or Law, making more than $75,000/year."

Right. Perhaps both of these are lost causes? I'll let you know how it goes. Here's hoping it's better than the last dude in the inbox on Match.com :)

The AARP Exit Aisle

2009-03-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Last week I took advantage of my underemployment status and flew to Florida to spend some time on a beach. I know, traveling while unemployed is about as financially savvy as shopping at Whole Foods with food stamps. But hey, when else was I going to have 10 days to sit on the beach, relax, and invite skin cancer to take over my pasty facade?

Not for much longer, we hope.

But I digress. It was an interesting week. I got in some beach time, some pool time, and have worked myself into a love of open lap swimming...and all in all, I dealt with my immersion into great AARP retirement center with just a mild irritation. Waiting at traffic lights? Please, come to Chicago - I'll show you waiting. Standing in line at Publix? Again, step right up (there's a reason we go nowhere without books here). Worried about the best spot on the beach, far, far away from that smoker? PLEASE! You have a beach! And water you can enter before August! What's a little smoke amongst friends???

But perhaps my funniest moment of dealing with the Senior Set came on Saturday when I flew home. As I boarded my AirTran (yes, that bucket of death) flight in Sarasota, I grinned as two septaugenarians sat down - IN THE EXIT ROW in front of me. See, on AirTran, only those who fork over an additional $20.00 can choose to sit in the exit row. I restrained myself and took my $6.00 seat in the row behind - but when these two sat down, I was having second thoughts. I mean, hadn't a hundred or so people just needed to use those exits over the wing??? Shouldn't we be putting, I don't know, people who had used their muscles this decade in those chairs???

"You do recognize that you are seated in an exit row, and you are prepared to assume the duties required of sitting here?" asked the pretty flight attendant of the three in front of me.

Someone's very Jewish father, occupying the middle seat, with his full head of hair and slight Chicago accent, held up his hand to ask her to stop - he couldn't hear her while the other overhead annoucements were going on.

I looked at the fit, 30-something next to me and we shared a laugh.

"What was that, honey?" he asked again.

She repeated her shpiel. He and his wife Delores (well, she looked like a Delores) nodded - somewhat vigorously. Clearly they knew that admitting they couldn't put their luggage over their heads, let alone hoist a 40 pound door in an emergency, would result in the sacrifice of leg room that Delores, at 5'2", really needed.

My seatmate and I just grinned, tacitly acknowledging our fate. As we settled in for the ride home, we agreed that, if necessary, we could just talk loudly during the emergency, climb over them, and help ourselves out.

And maybe that's the lesson from Florida - that when you're surrounded by crazy people, or crazy days, you just have to accept the cards you're dealt, and find a working alternative. Don't sweat, don't get freaked out, don't tailgate, don't cuss (not even with your inside voice). Just sit back, let the crazies fly their Freak Flag, and enjoy the ride.

Usually, it's a lot more fun.

Shop Till You Drop

2009-03-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, my mom and I would wander through Cincinnati's West Side. Filled with guilted Catholics, working and middle class folks who sent their kids to schools with uniforms and nuns, shopping was a little extravagance in our world.

Don't get me wrong - it's not like we ever wanted for anything - but with three kids at home, and a sense of style that Ruby gave her, my mom had an eye for the nicest, best cut, most fashionable items on any rack - and thankfully, imparted that skill to me.

Fortunately, I never inherited her great legs, or ability to maintain a size 12, or I'd be in the poorhouse. You see, I learned to shop at the feet of the master, and to this day, both my sister and I would admit that, though we frequently don't buy exactly what we want, we always want to buy something.

I thought about that a lot this week, as I examined the overflow of clothing in my second bedroom. More closet than sleeping area, the bedroom has become a bit of a disaster zone. Frankly, Susan Lucci could be hiding out under the clothes on the bed and I wouldn't know it.

So it's with some surprise that I spent Sunday inventorying a friend's shoe and purse collection to sell it off on eBay. You'd think my selling would begin at home - but nope, I'm far more content to sell other people's fine items than my own.

The store is up and running now (you can visit it here). What I'm enjoying most is a tossup - is it writing the fun descriptions of the merchandise? Maybe. But maybe it's also that feeling - that you're giving someone else the chance to do what my mom and I did, all those Saturdays growing up - to run your fingers along the bargain rack, hoping to find that one piece of gorgeous cashmere, or well-cut wool, or beautiful loafers. Hoping to find that one thing that made you feel like you found a bargain, and got something that made you feel like you had won the shopping lotto.

I'll admit - in these times, it's a hard feeling to come by. But in the absence of wandering around the mall with Mom, spreading a little shopping glee is a pretty good substitute...

Shop on...

Now Casting

2009-02-25T22:34:00.001-08:00

For those of you who don't know me (or haven't seen me in awhile), I'm what we pleasantly refer to as "plus sized". In the vernacular, this means that, while I can tie my shoes and fit behind the wheel of a car, I'd be better off if I weighed just a bit less.

This, for obvious reasons, not the least of which are that I'm single, 34, and would like to, someday, perhaps, join a gift registry with someone other than The Invisible Man (which happened a couple years back at Marshall Fields when my parents couldn't figure out what to get me for Christmas.)

In any case, this extra poundage issue is not a new one for me. I've gained and lost enough weight in my adult life to be an expert at all things weight related. Want to know the serving size for a lean piece of protein? Come to my kitchen. Expect there to be chips around? Go somewhere else.

You see, over time, I've learned how to be incredibly active (well, occasionally active) by running, biking, doing triathlons, etc. But I've not put together the food AND exercise for a couple of years now.

Hence, The Biggest Loser Open Casting Call.

Yes, you read that correctly. Last Saturday, I gussied myself up, threw on my most adorable jeans, jacket and sparkly tee shirt (really, it was quite cute) and headed down to the NBC Tower with a ViP Pass (which allowed me to skip in front of the other 11,000 (yes, THOUSAND) people in line.

I was struck by two things at the casting call: first, I looked WAY better than anyone else in my group - or, for that matter, anyone I saw in line. Period. Not to be braggy about it, but my hair looked golden, my makeup was perfection, and at least I showered before showing up! (Which could not necessarily be said for my competitors).

Alas, no callback.

So I'm moving into the next phase: The Personal Video. Right now, I'm struggling with the screenplay. What will sell? Clearly, my "I'm fat BUT active" shtick didn't make it. 12 half marathons? Who cares! Licensed attorney? Who cares! Funny? Well, come to think of it, maybe funny didn't come through enough.

So I'm putting pen to paper and trying to give it a go...right now, I'm struggling between leading a revolt at Weight Watchers and fighting someone over the last batch of chocolate chips at the Jewel. Both of which have sort of happened at one time or another.

I'm kidding, really. What I'd like to do is create a tape that captures who I am. I promise to post the video when I'm finished. But for now, if you have any ideas, send them my way!

I'm also accepting recommendations for the background/theme music that should be playing in the background....so send it along!!!

V-Day: Single Style

2009-02-15T16:01:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is usually pretty uneventful. Yet this year, mine was so completely and totally stereotypical that I had to disclose the events in full (and if this is not motivation to continue on Match.com, I don't know what is...)

6:30 a.m. Shower, shave legs, throw on running gear, go to group run. (No, the shaving was not completely necessary, but it made me feel better.)

9:00 a.m. Post-run trip to Starbucks. Show remarkable restraint ordering NO $4.50 mocha, instead order "Venti" Icewater (free) and low-fat banana-chocolate chip coffee cake. IT WAS EARLY. I STILL HAD RESTRAINT LEFT.

10:00 a.m. Return to car, find $50 parking ticket. CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE???

11:30 a.m. Shower again, curl up on the couch for a nap. I put on LIFE with Damian Lewis (my TV boyfriend) in the background.

12:30 p.m. Call from cousin Jess. We agree workouts on V-Day are big accomplishment. Maybe the only productive thing we'll do all day. We pat ourselves on the back. I go back to sleep. She goes to ger her hair cut.

1:30 p.m. Call from mom. Who reveals her giant pine tree wiped out neighbors electrical/phone on Wednesday. Mom is fine, electrical is fine. Tree is sleeping with the fishes. I'm reminded that life, and lumber, are fleeting.

3:00 p.m. Sucked into Hallmark movie. Wha???

6:50 p.m. Friend Val and I are comfortably ensconced in the near-empty Skokie theatre to catch Confessions of a Shopaholic. Woo HOOOOOO. Movie is so funny I cry several times.

8:45 p.m. Consider going to BW3s next to theatre, only to spy 200 15 year olds eating wings. Where are their parents???

9:30 p.m. Val and I call an audible for an emergency stop at KFC. Yes, that's right. Stupid new ad campaign. After debating the merits of various chicken combos, we both suck down crispy chicken something or others, and grin at the complete lameness of the evening. Thankfully, the two single Russian guys across from us don't make any comments. Though, they do seem to be headed out for a night of drinking, whereas we are heading to our homes. Well, Val is. I'm...

10:30 pm. Making an emergency stop at CVS for chocolate. Oh please, you knew this was coming. It takes 20 minutes to check out, which I think was God's way of telling me to PUT THE ALMOND KISSES DOWN and STEP AWAY FROM THE COUNTER. I don't listen.

12:00 p.m. Bed. I have bad dreams about the Hallmark movie girl beating up the Shopaholic girl because she spent too much money. Wha?

Another stellar Valentine's Day is in the books. Here's to next year!!!!

Dear Wall Street:

2009-02-11T14:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Wall Street Bankers: (excepting my brother)

I am writing to tell you it's going to be okay. I hear you all are a little worried. There was this article yesterday in The New York Times about how hard it is to live on less than $500,000/year in New York. And then there was this article about how long it's been since many passed the $500,000 mark, and how hard it might be to go back.

One of the hallmarks of good citizenship is empathizing with those who are having hard times. I'm used to doing that with people who make about $12,000/year. Or less. Single moms who work two jobs, who never got the chance to go to college because they never had the confidence. Or working dads who rarely get a chance to see their kids because they're trying to put in as much overtime as possible.

It's rare for me to sympathize with people making $500,000/year. But I can do it. And what's more, I have some suggestions for you:

WAKE THE EFF UP.

You make more money in a year than most people in this country would make in five years. And you're not that smart. You use other people's money - OUR MONEY - to make deals, trade stock, and generally destroy what we work hard to achieve.

So what can you do now? Try this: move to a more affordable place. Live in a home that costs less than $8,000/month in mortage payments. Take the subway to work. Drop the personal trainer. Tell your kids to get a loan to go to college.

And stop whining. You're embarrassing yourself.

Thank you.

Oh the Karma

2009-02-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

It was 50 and sunny here today in Chicago.

I got up, ran 4 miles with my running group, and generally had a ball.

Except for that part where I was avoiding a puddle, bit it on some ice/snow, and landed in 3 inches of water. And goose poop.

Lovely. Just lovely.

There's Something Wrong With You

2009-02-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

Lately, when my mother has a whiff that I've gone round the bend, she takes a breath and half laughs "well, there's something wrong with you", like she's not feeling the exact same way.

We shared a moment earlier this week when we both admitted to a frightening case of "get me the hell out of here". Mine, due to the fact that I've been living in temperatures normally reserved for Arctic expeditions; hers, due to the fact that she lives in Cincinnati, and they've been under a blanket of ice for the better part of 4 days. I don't think they're comparable, but to be fair, there are no hills here, so I can't really say.

Luckily, mom is gainfully employed, so she's heading off on vacation soon. I can already smell the surf for her.

I find myself, on the other hand, contemplating whether it's better to jump on a plane to Florida or continue to sit in the cold, dark wintry mix that is 60660.

After much thought, I've decided that, while I love my father, and should probably go visit, I'm staying home. The daily job forecasts are depressing and make me want to scream, but I'm beginning to think that massive assualts on recruiter inboxes are the only way to come out of this successful.

Plus, there's the slim chance that my application to be on Oprah goes through, and well, I just can't miss that call.

I know, there's something wrong with me. Get in line.

Big Plans. Huge. Massive.

2009-02-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

I love making plans. Plans are kind of like the stars for me - they look amazing from far away, I can spend hours gazing at them, and yet, while I appreciate them very much, I don't really have to DO anything about them.

Unless I get into a star-corralling mode, and then all bets are off.

These days, I find myself in just such a mode, as my ass has recently expanded to galactic-like proportions. I saw my GP this week, and while she is lovely, kind, and really glad my numbers are all good (impossible, I know, but true), she basically told me to stick to the spring/summer workout plan I had devised, and all would be better come fall.

So, to help, I've put together a summer race calendar that looks like a Midwest Tour of Champions.

In June, I will head to DC to see my old friend Kim from law school. I know, most of you don't hear me talk about law school friends often - and that's because there are few I keep in touch with. Kim is an exception. As she said the other day on Facebook, she's probably the only lawyer in DC who can rope a steer, operate a combine, and file a brief (or something like that). She bakes cookies like I do, and we're doing the Lawyers Have Heart 10k as a goal for both of us. I'm excited - both for the chance to see DC, as much as to hang with Kim for a few days. Plus, I haven't trained for a 10k in years, and it sounds SO much better than a 1/2 marathon!

In early July, I will head to Minneapolis for the Lifetime Fitness Triathlon. I'm going with my friend Val, and we'll be visiting her brother, and my friends Jen and Sarah, and their two lovely kids. A couple of years ago, Jen, Sarah, and Jen's sister Becky and me did the race. I remember two things: first, there were some gear changing issues when we left transition (um, I think actually I had to teach another unnamed participant how to use her gears :)); and second, it was a really, really pretty course. I'm looking forward to getting Val on the Tri bandwagon, and to doing this course like I mean it.

In late July, it's party time, as I head to Cincinnati to compete in the Cincy Tri with my family. We are a growing group - but at least five of us are committing to doing the race, either solo or as part of a relay team. At the end, we're hoping to be down some pounds, up some fitness, and holding many, many beers. To motivate us further, I'm considering what we should put on our shirts. "Stiens for Steins" might work, but we now include many other surnames. What about "Where's the Beer?" Or perhaps "IF I JUST PASSED YOU, WOOOO HOOOOOO!"

Finally, there's a late August race (either the Chicago Olympic or the Pleasant Prairie Olympic) which will be the highlight of my season. In 2003, I trained myself into the ground for the Olympic Triathlon. It was hard, and I loved every minute of it. I cannot WAIT to do this race, and to be fit enough to do it well.

So that's the goal. Finish these races, have a fun summer...oh, and be fully employed while I'm doing it!

With the cast of characters I've got coming along, I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice about being ready. I love it when a plan comes together!

I Stopped Traffic. Sort Of.

2009-02-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

My mom told me that Ruby originally hailed from the hills of Tennessee. When we traced back my family tree at some point, I don't think I got very far. But I knew one thing about my grandmother: her phrases, her sayings, and some of that sass made it to my mom, and my aunt, and most definitely to my cousin, sister, and me.

I know, for instance, that I really should never leave the house without makeup. My mom never did. I mean, you were bound to run into someone at the grocery store, and there is NO way that she ever looks less than put together.

So today, when I was getting ready to go get my annual physical, I slathered on the Bare Minerals foundation (and seriously, those people make money because it ALL LANDS IN MY SINK and not on the brush...but anyway). I did something scary with bobbypins and my hair, and threw on my big Jackie O sunglasses for the trip downtown.

And, I'll admit, I felt pretty good. I had lipstick on (for the first time in at least two weeks). I looked kinda cute - and you could even see cheekbones on my face. So when I walked up to the platform at Sedgwick and the train slowed into the station, I smiled back at the cute conductor and hopped on the train.

Four stops later, I hopped off, and walked towards the exit. I felt the train start to pull out, and I slapped on my sunglasses, smiling at the fact that I needed them. And then, I hear the train slow, and a voice beside me. I look, and the conductor has pulled down the little window.

"If you don't mind my saying so, you are looking fabulous (or was it fantastic?) today," he says, smiling at me.

I bust open a big, toothy, seriously fine grin for this nice man, who clearly means what he says.

"Well, thank you!" I say, grinning back at him, extending my hand. We do a sort of shake/slap thing, and I immediately wish I was cooler at accepting complements from random conductors. "You know, I needed that today," I say, thinking damn, that feels good!

He smiles back. And I figure I'm now lacking in the complement department, so I say "You're looking pretty good yourself", and I smile, and start to walk away.

"Thank you" he says, and we both sort of grin. Well, I gotta go, and he has a train to drive, and I'm sure there are people in that car going all "why is that fool conductor flirting with the fat girl in the wide leg jeans?"...

"You have a good day now" he says to me, and I respond in kind, smiling as I walk away. But wait, there's more!

The train's moving again, but he's re-opened the window, and as he pulls away, he says "You know, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it!" and now I'm really laughing - the guy may be a player, but I don't care.

And all because I put on a little makeup, smiled back at someone, and, possibly, looked quite fine. Who knew jeans and some MAC lipglass could go so far? Maybe Ruby, and mom, knew something about looking good to feel good. Or maybe it was an unexpected jolt of Vitamin D from the sun. Either way, I'm still grinning.

Delusions of Grandeur

2009-01-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note from Chicago, where, today, it seems that delusions of grandeur are the story.

I listened to the Guv's impassioned speech before the Illinois Senate this morning (before they voted unanimously to impeach him.) He made some good points, I'll admit. First, the House was quite stupid to include in the Articles of Incorporation acts which occurred before this term. The Guv was right, that the people knew he had done these things; and we elected him anyway. The Senate, technically, shouldn't have the right to pretend that these issues are anything new.

However, when The Guv stands in the Senate and says "look, we've all got dirty hands" and "I was just trying to get medicine to sick kiddies" I think he understates, perhaps, what he was doing to make money for himself at the same time.

I'm glad he's been impeached. I'm glad we have a Governor who can govern. But I can't help but wonder if there were many, many mental health professionals watching today's show and thinking "dude, this guy compares himself to Ghandi and Martin Luther King, bring on the meds!"

On an a related note, it appears that our state's problem with Hype has made its way to Craigslist, where I found this picture posted earlier today:

I was LOOKING for a sofa table, for less than $10.00. (For my entry hallway). This came up, described as "Contemporary Sofa Table, Cream, Modern".

Is it just me, or is this an ironing board on a solid foundation?

As I said, Delusions of Grandeur.

Diaper Gold

2009-01-28T18:52:00.000-08:00

Things I have learned in the last 24 hours, while visiting my friends who have an adorable 3 month old, named Jackson.

I am sure these are slightly different than the lessons my grandmother learned when she was raising children. And yet, do lessons about kids ever change?

1. A poor sense of smell can lead to undiscovered diapers, backs and onesies full of baby poo. This is fine if you're not responsible for keeping the baby happy, but not so fine if you're the one cleaning him up. And he might not find it enjoyable in either case.

2. Snow days are the same as non-snow days when you're on maternity leave.

3. Baby books that detail the milestones your child is suppose to achieve by a certain WEEK are the surest path to a nervous condition for new mothers. And I quote "I can't wait until he can roll over. Can he roll over? We're practicing rolling over."

4. Days spent with newborns are an anomoly of time, and space. One minute it's 8 a.m., the next minute you're wondering why Katie Couric is on the t.v.

That's it from Toledo, where the snow is deep, the air is cold, and the hot tub is is ready for visitors. Whoo Hoo!!!

An Early Wakeup Call

2009-01-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having a bit of a problem with insomnia (well documented in these pages). I fall asleep late, sleep late, and find half my day is gone and I'm strangely unmotivated. To combat the growing urge to pummel myself, I've started making firm plans, every other day or so, just to make sure I leave the building.

Saturday morning, I went downtown to meet up with a group of volunteers. We were headed to low-income neighborhoods across the city to prepare tax returns for those making less than $30,000/year (single) or $48,000 (double income). It's called LadderUp (formerly the Tax Assistance Program), and you can learn about it here.

Fortified with a large Diet Coke and a half a bagel, 12 of us wandered into a WIC (Women, Infants and Children) center operated on the near West side. The temperature was about 10 degrees - and the day was super sunny. When we walked in the doors at 8:30, there were about 30 people sitting in a waiting area upstairs.

They were a mix of Latino, Caucasian, and African American folks, some with kids, some without. Single and married, young and retired. And they were there because this program takes volunteers who have a background in accounting, finance, law, or really any profession, and uses them to prepare and file free tax returns. Why? Well, it ensures that even low-income families a) file and b) get the refunds they are entitled to.

I've done the program for a few years, and I have to say, it's damn rewarding to actually be the person who says "maam, your income last year was $12,000, and you're going to be getting a refund of $1400". Or something like that.

But my favorite story from Saturday morning was probably this: The second client that the team saw (and completed a return for) had two small children. He was an immigrant who was a naturalized citizen. He worked a job as a machine operator, and his wife stayed home with the children. He didn't make a lot of money - maybe $25,000/year. He was a nice Latino man who smiled easily and told me not to worry about rushing. I was assigned to review his return, and when he sat down, he helped us translate for the old man sitting next to him. When I apologized for taking so long, he told me not to worry - that he was just happy to get it completed.

He was bundled up in a long gray down coat, with a hat and scarf, and all of his papers in front of him. Because I am slightly prone to conversation (har) I asked him how long he had been waiting outside for the doors to open. He said he had been there since 5 a.m.

I stopped what I was doing then. "You were outside since 5?" I asked.

"No, I pulled my car up and waited in my car until about 6:30," he said. "But then people started coming and I had to wait in line because last year when I came, the line was cut off when I arrived."

He wouldn't have told me had I not asked. And he didn't say it like he was mad. He was just really glad someone was there to help. He was just thankful.

He got up, and waited outside for almost 3 hours, in ten degree weather, to take advantage of this service.

I don't know the last time anything I did felt as important. And frankly, I know that he was glad to help us help the guy next to him. So all in all, it was a pretty good exchange.

If you haven't had a chance to volunteer lately, I'd recommend it. If you're in Chicago, LadderUp will take your help anytime you can give it. And if you're somewhere else, well, dip your little toe in the land of philanthropy. You might find it does more to help you than the other guy.

I'm just saying.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

I was tooling around on Facebook this afternoon when I saw a friend's post. She had filled out a "note" called "25 Random Things About Me". Her list had things like "my daughters dance better than I do" and "I married a man who cooks and he's realy good at it", and "I threw a triple header once in high school."

I was immediately obsessed with what kind of random factoids other people might find interesting about me - and sat down to write my list.

Forty minutes later, I had covered Space Camp, all of my undergraduate jobs, and the excessive amounts of shoes in my wardrobe. I was struck by what I wanted to talk about, which was travel, purchases, and the unique things I had done or acquired. And then, I immediately felt guilty.

It occurred to me: am I proud, interested, or amused by things in my life which are not the result of spending money?

So I've pondered. I've pondered all day. And I came up with a new list. One that talks about the things I love - and that don't cost a dime. As we wander through these tough economic times, I'm putting it out there - I'm challenging each of you - to list the things you have cared about, loved, experienced, or dreamed of - which didn't cost you a dime.

Call me an Oprah in training :)

My List of 25 Random Things About Me: Things I Love, Dream, Imagine, or Enjoy

1. Love: Dusk on Lake Michigan, behind Waveland Golf Course.
2. Enjoy: Teaching kids to do something - anything - they couldn't do before.
3. Love: Pacing the Chicago Distance Classic walkers - mostly first-timers, doing their first half marathon. Feel good moment of my year.
4. Love: Finding the perfect outfit - which already exists in my closet.
5. Love: Listening to Country Music. Yep. Love the Dixie Chicks.
6. Dream: Falling in love with a wonderful, kind, available man.
7. Imagine: How I would look with layered, long brown hair.
8. Dream: Of running for office someday.
9. Enjoy: Reading almost any mystery.
10. Love: Baking. Anything.
11. Dream: Of becoming the person who works out every morning.
12: Enjoy: Conversations with my sister and brother - we're all pretty different, but we share a sense of humor.
13. Love: Watching Bear Gryls - "Man v. Wild"
14. Enjoy: A good emergency. Don't ask me why.
15. Dream: Hiking the Bright Angel Trail to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
16. Love: Hiking by myself and with friends.
17. Enjoy: Laughing my ass off with my friends over a good beer.
18. Dream: Of running an Olympic triathlon again.
19. Dream: Of someday publishing something. Anything.
20. Imagine: Life in the suburbs. Then I wake up screaming.
21. Enjoy: The ferry ride over the Ohio River every time I go home.
22. Enjoy: Shopping without buying.
23. Imagine: Self-cleaning bathrooms. Oh, wait, was that a dream?
24. Enjoy: Running. Short distances.
25. Enjoy: Finding the stars above me, anytime, anywhere.

What do you enjoy? What do you dream about? What do you imagine?

Been awhile? Give it a go :)

School of Rock

2009-01-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

Many of you knew I was heading to Phoenix last weekend for the Arizona Rock and Roll 1/2 Marathon. You probably thought I was pretty smart, going to the sun and sand when it was -10 here in Chicago. And you'd be right! Our accomodations were fabulous, the weather was great, and my friends were pretty damn funny. Did I mention the hotel? The Arizona Biltmore (see that freakishly sunny picture to the left) was exactly what I needed after a few months of cold and snow.

Now the race, that, I could have skipped.

Suffice it to say, when surrounded by 13.1 miles of strip malls, waddling walkers, and that inside voice saying "hey, there's Dairy Queen!" it's not going to be the best day. I should have taken a guess it would be bad - after all, I got a speeding ticket on the way to the race (so we were going 75 in a 55...it could happen to anyone...right?); then ran over an already dead racoon; and finally took us to the start, when we should have been at the finish (long story involving shuttles and scared Korean women). All of this, by 6:30 a.m. I should have ordered a beer and gone back to the hotel.

In any case, the day was long, the feet were t-t-t-tired, and my mood was not so sunny when I finally crossed the finish line. And yet, it only got better! Because (hold your breath here)....they RAN OUT OF MEDALS!!!

I took the high road on Sunday. I said "great". I took the pre-printed slip of yellow paper which basically said "sorry, but the marathoners who didn't train switched races and took your medals". And I headed to the large parking lot in the sun to find my friends.

Of course, because I was looking like Rosie O'Donnel after a 1/2 block walk, I got to go meet some of Tempe's finest, when my friend Val got the vapors at the finish (sounds so much better than "almost passed out and threw up on all of us".) We grabbed a few of the cute men in blue, manning the John Deere, and asked if they would take her to the medic station. She doth protest "I've never done this before, not in 5 years of running" (and she hasn't), when one of the hotties turned and said to her "don't worry, you won't be embarrassed about this until tomorrow". I would have asked for a number, but really, I kind of stunk. Plus, Val was kind of pasty.

In any case, the rest of the weekend was hysterical and fun. Val recovered nicely. We found our friend Kelly can, indeed, get ready for a night out in less than 2 hours (but don't tell her boyfriend that); and that Lisa is the only one of us who follows those silly "recovery" plans. And we had a REAL good time on the Southwest flight home, surrounded by one real preacher (Father Tom from Old St. Pat's, who ran his marathon in 33 minutes longer than it took me to run my 1/2 marathon)...and a fake preacher (the lovely James who sat beside Val and made her talk the entire flight home, thus proving that airplanes can indeed be your worst nightmare); and a turncoat (that would be me, who helped 10 year old Matthew write his essay "Why the White Sox are better than the Cubs".

All in all, a great weekend. (Well, except for Kelly, who got stuck next to Matthew's dad, Stinky Gary, for the entire flight home, and almost bludgeoned us all upon exiting the plane.)

And if I've learned anything valuable, it's that it's really, probably time for me to hang up my long-distance running shoes. My back was screaming at me for a day after the race, and it just wasn't as fun as it used to be. So I'm hanging up my shoes - at least, for anything over 6 miles. Really, I am. When I called my mom to tell her I had learned from my mistakes, she said "well, you said you were quitting in May of last year". I told her I had learned. But, that if I forgot again, to just use a nearby 2X4 to hit me upside the head.

She then told me Ruby once claimed she could learn from her mistakes too. Apparently, Ruby was flummoxed by a can of paint, which she just could not get open. After examining her options, she flipped the can over, and opened it from the bottom with a can opener. One can only imagine the joy that little scene brought to the house....

Despite doing the best she could imagine under the circumstances, she realized that perhaps it wasn't the best way to attack that particular problem. And she vowed she'd never make that mistake again.

Perhaps running 13 miles on a regular basis isn't the best way to tackle the problem of getting in regular workouts. Which is why I'm heading back to Triathlons full time. Because really, how much trouble can you get in when you swim, bike, AND run?

Mom, why are you holding a 2X4?

Hope, Marching Bands, and A Great Yellow Dress

2009-01-20T15:19:00.001-08:00

I've had the good luck to be home today watching the Inauguration festivities, and I've learned a few things.

First, there is NOTHING quite like listening to a speech that tingles the spine to make you think you can do something in this world. I flew home from Phoenix last night with a group of strangers who, by the end of the flight, were new friends. And we were all reminded that it doesn't take much to connect with people you don't know - a smile, a laugh, a glass of wine or a bad beer, a half marathon, whatever. But I think we all, acutely realized, in the last two rows of the plane, that there is something extraordinary about opening your minds and hearts to new people.

As I watched the festivities today, I couldn't help but realize that may be what we're all looking for. It's what's drawn 1.8 million people to the Capitol, to watch the new President take his oath - it's the hope that we can get to know our neighbors better, to fix our country one step at a time - to help one another out, and to believe that while good days are behind us, they are ahead of us too.

Anyway, that said, nothing quite says "fun" like the Grambling marching band. I mean, man - I would go anywhere to see them play - or, frankly, the Howard University Marching Band. I gotta find a way to get them in my alarm clock in the morning, because I would JUMP out of bed...

Finally, I gotta say, as a tall woman with curves of her own, I can only aspire to looking as good as Michelle does today. She is exactly what many young girls aspire to be - a successful, smart, educated woman, who can put on a fantastic outfit, mother some wonderful girls, and be part of a partnership that can withstand some pretty tough challenges. And if you don't believe that's inspiring, well, you just shouldn't talk to me for a few days...

I can't wait to see what comes next....

Sub-Zero

2009-01-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

Going on day two here of sub-zero temperatures. Given that my last venture outside the friendly confines was Tuesday, I headed out today for some grub.

You would think venturing to a bagel shop a mere 6 blocks away would result in few life lessons.

Oh, how wrong you would be!

Lesson No. 1: When it's below zero, a funeral procession will stop for a pedestrian. (Er, yes, that would be me.)

Lesson No. 2: When you knock over a 32 ounce soda in your car and the contents begin spilling into your insanely expensive purse, fret not. At sub-zero, the liquid almost immediately freezes wherever it stands, and you can merely brush off all Diet-Coke related goodness from said leather in tiny frozen droplets. THANK YOU GOD.

Lesson No. 3: My coat collection is better than Sarah Jessica Parker's closet full of Jimmy Choos. Today's combination LL Bean 200 weight fleece and North Face Gore-Tex parka was windproof and warm. And at least 5 years old. (My old roommate could never understand why I had so many coats. THIS is why.) Granted, I was looking pretty gender-indeterminate in tis ensemble, but below the zero mark, no one really cares.

Gotta pack - the plane to Phoenix leaves in less than 19 hours!!!

In the Community

2009-01-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

Quick note from Racine, Wisconsin today, home of SC Johnson, A Family Company.

The Mayor was arrested on charges of attempting to solicit sex with a minor.

Yep, that Racine - it's exactly the kind of place I'd want to raise a family. I wonder if my old boss is "walking the streets" or "going to church" to get a feel for what people are saying (her instructions to me about how to get immersed "in the community".

More likely, the powers that be are just APPALLED at what's happened. (And wondering how this might affect recruiting.)

What I find realistically appalling is that the judgeallowed the Mayor out on bail with the restriction that he not leave the area, not drink, and not have contact with any minors, except, of course, his OWN TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

I'm thinking I made the right call, not moving to Racine. Clearly the only thing required for residency is a lack of brainpower.

(Oh, no, not bitter at all....)

It's Okay to Look

2009-01-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

So, in the midst of job hunting, Facebook updating, and avoiding running, I've been checking my Match.com account quite frequently.

It may be because one of my good friends recently had her first baby (she met her husband on eHarmony, and they are SWELL together); or it may be that my other good friend found her husband on Match.com (after a frightening occurrence where she and another friend BOTH dated the same guy with a goiter); or it may be that I'm in complete and total avoidance mode.

(Oh shut up, I know it's number three, but it's kind of fun.)

Anyway, what I started wondering is this: if I'm a well-educated, unemployed woman who can put together a sentence AND manage her finances AND occasionally (though not always) be a good human being, and I can't get an email a month, who the heck IS getting noticed by these guys?

So I found a way to scope out my competition. After all, Match keeps saying "It's okay to look."

I devised a search. Female. 30-40. Anything over 5 feet. Any body type. Any hair color. Any eye color. Income and education equal to mine. Living in Chicago. No roommates, no kids, wants kids, never married. Exercises regularly, doesn't smoke, drinks occasionally, any religion.

Chicago has 2.5 million people living in the city, 9.5 in the metropolitan area.

There are EIGHT women on Match.com who meet the criteria outlined above.

EIGHT??? EIGHT???

So much for the excuse that there are "millions" of women in the city who are just like me. There are EIGHT of us. Apparently, eight IS enough. And heck, even the cute girls are still out there, searching for love in all the wrong places - telling me that even THEY have trouble.

I'm trying to be an optimist here, but I'm not sure what to take away from the Ocho (points if you get that reference). How about this: I have eight new friends. Maybe we could form an Ocho SWAT team. Date all the guys who meet our criteria, then swap stories? Rank them like an annual performance review? Line them up and make them play HORSE?

Or maybe we'll just wait for each other's leftovers. Sounds like a plan to me. Bartender? Oh bartender????

Fake Kids and Stupid Governors

2009-01-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

There are days when I thank God I don't have kids (yet?). I wonder how I would explain a lot of things. Corruption. Greed. Why bad things happen to good people. Why Hillary Clinton could never seem to find a flattering pantsuit.

But this week, mostly, I wonder what parents are telling their kids about the Illinois Governor, Rod "I keep my comb close to me at all times" Blagojavich. At first, I thought it was complicated to explain to kids. Do you guess about what the man's problems are? Assume he's crazy? Immoral? Raised by the Mob? How would you explain the ethical, moral, and fashion violations of a man with such big hair?

In times like these, I like to think "outside the box". Enter my two hypothetical children, for a little illustrative chat.

"You see Bobby, this is what happens when you never share with others. When he was little, Rod would never let go of his toy in the sandbox unless you gave him yours first."

(I'm not sure how I feel with "Bobby" as my son's name...but I'm going to go with it.) Cute, blonde Sandy taps me on the shoulder, not to be left out of my imaginary tale.

"But Mom, why didn't Rod's Mommy and Daddy teach him how to share? They must have SUCKED as parents!" Bless her heart. She's picked up my sense of sarcasm.

"That's right Sandy, and they also forgot to teach him something else: how to work hard. You see, Rod got started early by running a gambling ring in the suburbs, but he got out of that pretty quick. And then he learned that you get very, very far in Chicago when you just keep smiling and taking things from other people. And what has Mom taught you? That when all you learn how to do is take, and not give, you always get in trouble!"

"What kinds of things did he take, Mom?"

"Well, he told doctors that they can't have a hospital to treat sick kids until they gave him a lot of money. You see, Rod needed more money because he wanted to stay Governor, (he was scared to find another job, where he had to work hard!) and so he thought it would be real easy to get it from people who just wanted to save sick kids. They needed Rod's permission to build a hospital - and he told them he wouldn't give them some tax money until they gave him their allowance. Does that sound right to you?"

Incredulous stares. Even fake kids know this is bad.

"Rod also didn't learn how to not listen when people said things about him. You know how sometimes, people say things that you don't like? Remember, Sandy, when Emma said your shoes looked like Tonka Trucks? What do we say when that happens?"

"Turn the other cheek!" shouts Sandy.

"You get farther with a tablespoon of sugar than you do with a pound of salt!" adds Bobby.

I smile. "That's right! But Rod, instead of doing that, when the people at the newspaper did things he didn't like, he told them he would take away their money, which was going to help their business."

"Can he do that?" said Bobby. "That doesn't seem right!"

"Well, he can - but only by doing some really shady things."

"Wow, Mom. He must be grounded for life. I bet he doesn't have any friends."

"Well, he does have friends, but you know, they have problems too. There's a man named Roland Burris, who took one of those toys that Rod gave him, even though EVERYBODY knew that Rod had stolen that toy, and Roland, he's mad, because he SAYS he thought Rod was just being nice, giving him that toy. But the toy, it's someone else's. And Roland doesn't want to give it back."

Sandy looks confused.

"But Mom, didn't you tell us that you learned in Criminal Law 101 that accepting stolen property over a certain value is a felony?"

Beauty of fake kids. They listen. "Yes, that's right. And what do you have to do when someone gives you a gift that they stole from someone else?"

"You GIVE IT BACK!" they shout! See, my two hypothetical children, they are geniuses.

My Governor, and my former Attorney General, not so much.

And that is something that I can't explain, not even to my hypothetical children.

Now about Hillary's pantsuits.

"Kids, I do have an answer for you on Hillary. Let's go turn on "What Not To Wear". This is a problem we CAN solve."

A Win for the Dog...And the Couch...

2009-01-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

I learned a valuable lesson about caring for pets from my mom, when I was just a freshman in high school. Every morning, we'd be up and out the door at the crack of dawn. I wasn't yet driving, so I usually took the bus, but for some reason, I remember one day, my mom getting ready to take us to school - and being unable to do so on time. Why? Because she was busy chasing our Beagle puppy around the muddy, crappy front yard, trying to get him to come in the house, while he was treating it as his own Tour de Yard. He was a puppy, and he was having fun. Look at the stupid lady in the fur coat chasing me!!! Run, dog, run!!! My sister and I howled on the front steps as our mom got more and more angry.

Then I was late to homeroom. Woops. The bottom line is that the dog was a puppy! He was full of energy, and we didnt't have a clue how to train him, and he wanted to play.

More recently, I was at my Aunt's in Cincinnati. We were enjoying a lovely day of Christmas banter when a possessed Jack Russell Terrier was let out next door. He barked like he had a squirrel cornered - constantly - for a good ten minutes, about five feet from my Aunt's kitchen window. I finally looked at my Aunt and asked her what the dog's issue was - and she explained that the dog was fondly known as "Crack Dog" in the house. Up went the window.

"Hey CrackDog!!! Shut up!! You, CRACK DOG!!!" All the while, the dog is jumping, howling, and barking, because his own owners never gave him attention, and my Aunt, for all her illegal pharmaceutical references, was at least talking to him. She went downstairs - he kept barking. She yelled from the basement, "CRACK DOG!!! CRACK DOG!!!" while my mom and I cried, we laughed so hard. Sure, to us, it was funny - but to my Aunt - well, she was calling him Crack Dog. From the basement. You can guess what she thought of it.

So what I learned from both my mom - and more recently my Aunt - is that any puppy you adopt better be a good fit - and you better have the time, patience, and energy to ruin your best pair of shoes (figuratively speaking) making him part of your home.

I've lived in Chicago for almost 12 years now, and the last few months, I've really, really felt ready to adopt a dog. I'm 34 years old; I have an apartment I love; and I feel like maybe it's time to have something to come home to. Only, since Mr. Right has apparently been delayed on a flight from Wonderfulland, I was considering a non-human to fill that role. You know, that whole unconditional love thing? It sounded good to me. I'd have a reason to get up early, walk regularly, a companion to take with me hiking or running along the lakefront. What's not to love??

So this week, I looked into adopting Cassie, a cute black lab puppy. Sure, I originally thought I might foster first, but the timing was perfect. After all, I've got some time on my hands. But then I freaked out a bit.... First, she's a puppy. Second, she was black - and I've got this pretty CREAM Crate and Barrel couch that I've managed to not mangle for 10 years...and then there's the fact that I really do travel a lot...

So I was going back and forth, when my sister sent me the nicest email. Her version of a pro/con list, designed with me in mind. Liz had adopted a puppy not long ago, and she knew the drill...and shared her thoughts with me, just to make sure I had both eyes open. You know, the way sisters can do - with just enough truth to make you cringe....thus proving, too, that the older sister (that would be me) is not always the wisest one...

The thought running through your mind at this point may be…..Clearly a puppy can’t be that bad, I mean I have taken care of babies and they are far more difficult right?, or maybe this thought….oh my sister did it, and if she can do, I definitely can do it!

Why should I get a cute little puupy that needs a great home???

1) Clearly she would be a great companion (YES! BECAUSE WE KNOW I'M BORDERING ON SPINSTERHOOD AND L-O-N-E-L-Y)

2) She is going to listen to everything you have to say, and probably won’t argue back (EXCELLENT POINT)

3) She is a good reason to get out of the house and go to the dog park (do they have those in Chicago? ) (YES, AND IT'S CHEAPER THAN MATCH.COM)

4) You get to train her as opposed to receiving her already branded with commands you will never understand! (WOW. NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT)

5) Right now you can dress her up in fun clothes!! (OKAY, NOT MY FORTE. IS THERE A "WHAT NOT TO WEAR" FOR DOGS? WHAT IS THE WIDELEG PANT EQUIVALENT FOR DOGGIE SWEATERS?)

Why shouldn’t I get a cute puppy that is going to pee and poop all over my condo and shed all over my Crate and Barrel Couch??? (OH, I HADN'T EVEN GONE THERE...I WAS JUST ASSUMING THEY'D MOUTH IT LIKE A ONE YEAR LET LOOSE ON A SHOPPING CART...)

1) The first few nights are awful. Hopefully you have thick insulated walls so your neighbors won’t kill you or the new found addition! (LET'S JUST SAY, I CAN HEAR THE UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS AND ASSUME THEY'D HEAR THE DOG, TOO) Although awful, you can do it! Just make sure you load up on your ear plugs!! (WAY AHEAD OF YOU, SISTER)

2) You can’t just up and go when you want. You have to arrange sitters and walkers! (RIGHT. LEGITIMATE ISSUE HERE. I LIKE TO FEEL SPONTANEOUS EVEN IF I'M NOT.)

3) You probably live in a state where you have to have seat belts for your pup!
(OMG.)

So, with my sister's advice fresh in mind (and the feedback of two of my very good friends, who also politely offered their non-opinions), I called back the woman I'd been speaking to about Cassie and said thanks, but I think I'm going to have to pass. She was pretty upset that I'd wasted her time, which I understand. But here's the thing: they (the all-knowing pet people) tell you that when you're thinking about adopting a pet, you really have to think long term. And you know, as much as I WANT to have a dog right now, I'm not sure that in six months, when I'm employed again and making money and wanting to travel - or worse, in three months, when the only job I can get requires regular travel - that I'm going to be able to deal with it.

So...I'm going to sign up to foster a dog instead. I'll see how it goes, and help out a local shelter, and have a more temporary commitment. It's a "best of all worlds" compromise. And it's very, very, me. It's temporary, I get to feel good about it, do something helpful, and everybody wins.

Even the cream colored couch.

I didn't know I had those!

2009-01-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post here to share a "day after" reckoning.

Yeah, you know how I said yesterday that my new workout was "one I could imagine doing on a regular basis"? Right. Well, I'm going to have to revise that slightly.

I can do it on a regular basis - so long as I won't be wearing any tee shirts, picking up my purse, or pulling up my covers within three days of said workout.

HOLY CRAP.

I am not sure which exercises are to blame for the things that hurt on me right now. I am no gym novice - sure, I'm sort of "born again" right now, but I'm not a total newbie - and yet, I had to hit the painkillers (Advil, please) as soon as I woke up this morning.

(Right, which might have been sort of late....that whole insomnia thing? Not fun.)

Anyway, moral of this story: don't brag about the workout till the two day delay has passed.

The other good news is that I've devised an ingeneous self reward plan to help me continue building good habits. Since I've used the last of the sugar in my house (and have decided not to buy any more for at least a month, thus avoiding any baking temptations), I had to stick to a non-caloric reward.

It occurred to me that I have all these medals from races I've done. I keep them sort of put away, but sort of close at hand, to remind myself of the things I CAN do when I put my mind to it. Anyway, for each day where I successfully log the food (the "cornerstone" - aka "torturous come to Jesus moment" of any good weight loss plan), AND exercise in a given day, I am pulling out a medal and hanging it somewhere I'll see it.

So far, that's just one (the 2008 Chicago Distance Classic medal, for a 1/2 marathon this summer). I didn't work out today, so no medal...but the food log is a HUGE start, and I just need to keep doing it.

It gives me a chance to reinforce what I'm doing - and remind myself of those "hidden reserves" - and no, we don't mean there's oil in them there fields!

Okay, it's late and I'm clearly delusional. Off to bed. But if you're where I'm at - for anything this new year, I recommend that reward system. I'm not sure what Ruby's reward might have been (mom? Aunt J?) but I firmly believe she would have liked the concept of digging out something old and repurposing it. It's a very grandmotherly thing to do....

Losing Cindy Crawford

2009-01-05T17:20:00.000-08:00

Weightwatchers Online sometimes provides entertainment I could not dream of. Today, it was Losing Kelly Rippa.

For those not familiar with Weightwatchers Online, it's a website with insprirational articles, manageable weight loss activities, recipe exchanges, and tools (i.e. places to write down how much you are (or are not) doing). There are also black holes of time and space known as The Message Boards.

The Message Boards come in many varieties. Are you a slacker who needs other people to hold you accountable to a fitness goal? Go to Fitness Challenge. Getting hitched and need to fit into that skinny dress? Go to The Bridal Party to see what the other desperados are doing to shed the weight. Got 50 pounds to lose? Visit the 50+ Pounds to Lose Board. Got 100+ Pounds to Lose and think you were just caught on one of those news program B rolls of fat people walking in the street? Commiserate at the 100+ Pounds to Lose Board.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I'm in the category of weight where, in fact, I do have 100+ pounds to lose. And as much as I'd also like to take advantage of that Lap Band surgery that all those fat people keep talking about (they're like a hit squad on daytime TV!!! I swear they're on every five minutes, along with the Snuggie and ShamWOW people..), anyway, as much as I'd like to take the easy way out, I'm not.

I am going to do this the old fashioned way - improve my diet and exercise more.

But that doesn't mean I can't have some fun.

Like all message boards, you have to pick a screen name in order to post something. I'm a sharer (shocking!) so I have one (Salligator, if you must know, and yes, I know it's completely lame). But today, I saw the best.screenname.ever.

Literally, this woman had named herself: LosingKellyRippa.

Because, you know, Kelly only weighs about 90 pounds. So this woman, bless her heart, put it out there. She's losing Kelly Rippa. Now how's THAT for a visual???

And, I gotta tell you, my new goal: Losing Cindy Crawford. WOW. That really makes you want to hit the gym, right? After contemplating the frightening reality that I am carrying an extra adult human being around (albeit a slightly skinny one) I slotted in that Biggest Loser DVD for the first time tonight. Nothing like a little extra human on your back to get you sweating.

And speaking of sweating....

Let me just share that I started the "warmup" - a 5 minute thingy - with the front window open about an inch.

Immediately after the warmup, I dashed through the dining room to open it up another inch.

Two minutes later and I was seeking serious cross ventilation. Plus the kitchen was closer - window open - AND LUNGE, two and three and four!

One set of lunges and a sweaty set of downward dogs later, and I was back in the dining room, had jacked the front window open a full TWELVE inches (did I mention it's 10 degrees with the windchill here?) as the sweat dripped off my brow and I began to second guess the effectiveness of my deodorant.

Once the place was sufficiently ventilated, I realized I could get through this. It's actually a pretty short workout (you add to it once you get through two weeks) but it was worth it. I got through the first Jillian Ass Kicking (JAK as we're calling it) and no emergency medical assistance was required. (Thank God because I would have had to write the Dove people and explain to them that they were directly responsible for my offending the Hot EMT when said Dove Deodorant failed. But again, another story.)

So here I stand. Five years ago, I completed an Olympic distance triathlon. And I struggled, but I trained and I did it. Now, I'm really, truly starting over. And when I do Lose Cindy Crawford, well, that will be worth every single ounce of effort.

Hm. Why is it so cold in here?

The Ho Ho Wagon

2009-01-03T20:14:00.001-08:00

Okay, it's resolution time. We've talked about this before (well, I have.) It's a new year. All things are possible. All things are waiting for you. Oprah says you can be happy with yourself, and therefore YOU CAN.

So I'm taking a page from the last year, and I'm channeling my inner Democrat, my inner Oprah fan, my inner fat girl, and I am kicking some fat bootay.

Well, starting tomorrow.

((There was still Pizza left in my freezer. I couldn't throw it away! I'm being frugal!!!))

So I sort of started today with The New Me. I did laundry (some of it). I cleaned my kitchen (some of it). And I posted inspirational notes all over my home (some of it).

"Yes you can!!" yells at me from on top of my television. On the way out my front door. In front of my refrigerator. On the spice shelf. In my cooking pantry. On my bedroom mirror. Above my scale. On my bathroom mirror. And on my full-length mirror (ew - the one I currently avoid like the scary puddle in the subway.)

Actually, they don't all say "Yes You Can!" Some of them say "Uh huh - you!". Or "Whatchyou talkin 'bout, Willis?" (Okay, I made that one up.)

But, inspired by one of my cousins (who shall remain nameless but who called me yesterday with tales of selective grocery purchasing and cabinet purging) I am down to my last bag of cookies in the cabinet, and my last excuse for not doing anything to this flabby but.

So I'm not going to be all cliche and create a bad New Year's Resolution. Instead, I'm just going to, in the words of that famous Weightwatcher Jeanine Garafolo, "work the program". If I can write 250 words a day here, how hard can writing down what I eat be??? Really? It can't be that bad....

Check back with me in a week and see if I've fallen off the Ho Ho wagon. I'll let you know how it's going...

Toodles!!!

A Thin Line

2009-01-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve always brings a little drama. The cab doesn't come on time. That one guy at the party can't keep his hands to himself. The girl on the corner doesn't have NEARLY enough clothes on. And then there's that moment when you wonder - should I have done THAT?

Last night, I had the best New Year's Eve in a really, really long time. I attended a dinner party full of funny people -and I was the only "stranger" in the group. The host cooked a great dinner - and by the end of the night, we were all a little tipsy - and very full. More fun, our host became a younger, much better looking James Lipton (from Inside the Actor's Studio). If you're not familiar with the show, this guy gets any actor worth his salt (and some not) to come on his show and he asks a variety of "probing" questions. He also recently appeared in a GEICO commercial, but that's another story.

In any case, the host asked us each to answer five simple questions - after the New Year had been welcomed. Many were tipsy; some were not; but the sharing was pretty funny. Curious? Thought so:

1) Favorite curseword: Maybe I shouldn't have started with this one. It's neither ladylike nor original, and I'm eradicating it in the new year. Maybe we'll just leave it at that?

2) Biggest turn-on: Outdoor adventures. (Surprised? Probably not.) Why that one? Well, it's true, and "a strong jawline and good hair" didn't seem to make the grade. You think you could do better on the spot? Please!!! You answer in a room full of people with something enigmatic and yet alluring -it's like trying to make a low-fat chocolate chip cookie - it's too much effort and doesn't taste nearly as good...

3) Biggest turn-off: Neediness - which I thought beat out another girl's "farting".

4) Favorite sound: I'll admit it was lame - the sound of a golf club hitting a golf ball perfectly square. I did not imply or otherwise warrant that I was capable of producing the sound, but it doesn't mean I don't like it.

5) Least favorite sound: At 1:30, when I was answering this question, it was the sound of my neighbors shoveling. That changed four hours later to "neighbors buzzing strangers into building." Keep reading.

Now, maybe the karmic gods were laughing at me (oxymoron with the karmic gods?). Or maybe, per usual, I said a bit too much. It is, after all, a thin line between being entertaining at a party, and being the annoying and mildly stupid guy who says his favorite word is "LEINIES!!!" (the Wisconsin beer). Anyway, not long after my lackluster sharing, I headed home. I was completely sober (alarmingly so), but very lazy when I rolled into bed.

"Self", I said, "You should double check to make sure that the door is locked."

I responded: "Self, it's cold, and you're all snug as a bug in a rug. I'm sure you locked it." Uh huh. I decided it was most likely I HAD locked the door. Despite the fact said door is a mere SEVEN feet from my bed, I rolled back over and fell asleep.

And then, Mr. Karma paid a visit. At 5:30, I woke to someone buzzing all the doors in our building. A tried and true tactic of homeless folks trying to find a warm cubby on a cold night, I wasn't surprised. It was probably close to zero with the wind chill. The guy was probably cold. But since only IDIOTS buzz someone into a building at 5:30 they aren't expecting, I figured I was safe. Right?

Well, partly right. I found out when one of my neighbors decided to BUZZ HIM IN.

ACK. LEAPING OUT OF BED (ME (let's just say, not fully dressed.) WHIPPING THE itsy bitsy keychain lock (the kind I once ripped off my college dorm door when late to class, flinging the lock across my apartment). PANTING, STANDING AGAINST THE DOOR.

He shuffles up to the landing....and then, of course, because Karma has a sense of humor, he TRIES MY DOOR HANDLE.

"Go away!!!" I yell. "Wrong door!" He tries again, and because I have no peep hole, I can't figure out if he's 5'4" or 6'2" and I'm not sure if the flippy lock is locked because I can't tell in the dark, and if I unflip it, what if I DID lock it and so I just leave it alone and try not to throw up because that would REALLY suck.

After moments of pure panic, adrenaline pumping hard enough that I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up, I hear him descend the three stairs to the front door. And, finally, he leaves. I hear the front door open and close, and I open the door and make sure it IS locked and PHEW.

I run to the bathroom (hey, I had a lot of water at that party) and AS SOON AS I FLUSH he's buzzing again, like he gave me time for my personal potty break, and now I'm going to welcome him with tea and crumpets.

I don pants, (no comments from the peanut gallery), and start talking to him through the intercom, telling him to go away or we'll call the police, when my itsy bitsy neighbor from upstairs comes running down (in her SO cute striped socks and christmas jammies) and takes one look at the guy (who I've still not opened the door to see.)

"He looks harmless" she says, checking out the 5'1" Hispanic dude in the puffy black coat, bombed out of his mind. We wave him off. He goes nowhere.

"Go away!!" we yell. He just stares at us.

She agrees, I should just call 911. So I do, and ten minutes later, they arrive. Now, the best part is that between his departure and their arrival, I've watched him in the street.

He's not only hammered, he's bouncing like a human pinball from car to car - almost as if they're electrified. And he's also not saying ANYTHING. Which is wierd. He's clearly taken care of, and put together. But then - he turns around, and the dude (who looks to be in his late 20s, early 30s) has a Bob the Builder backpack on his back. Yes, I'm being serious.

So now, I feel terrible. Is he a drunk irresponsible adult, or is he a drunk irresponsible adult who acts like a child? Is he maybe developmentally delayed or is he just stealing kids backpacks? I don't know, but when he heads down the next alley, I keep an eye on him. And tell the two chic cops who show up that he could probably use some help....

I'm not sure whether they found him that night. I hope they did - it was cold, and he was in no shape. And like a lot of moments in big city life, you find yourself wondering if you did the right thing. Should I have given the guy $10 and put him in a cab? Should I have followed him down the alley to keep watch over him? Should I keep a nine iron by the front door?

No matter what decision you make, there's a thin line between doing what's best for someone else - and getting yourself into trouble. As a single woman in the city, that line moves depending on the time of day, state of mind, and charitable view through which I'm seeing things. And while I hope that story turns out alright in the end, I probably did the best I could under the circumstances.

And if I learned nothing else, it's that you should always have pants on standby. Oh, and check the locks before you go to bed.

Happy New Year!!!

Santa Lost a Ho

2008-12-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

So I was listening to 93XRT here in Chicago the other day, when I heard this jug band playing a song called "Santa Lost a Ho". For illustrative purposes, you probably want to click here for a sample.

You see, Santa lost one of his Hos (of the three Ho Ho HOs we typcially hear). Thus, by my calculations, he's one third less Ho-ish this season. And Santa - being down one Ho? That's, like, one third less jolly - one third less bright. It got me thinking: is there a lesson to be learned when even Santa can be down a Ho?

The song says:

But good things in life, they come and go, where'd the other Ho go? Don't know! But old Santa...lost a Ho.

I can't help but think they have it right, The Christmas Jug Band. I mean, good things in life - they DO come and go. But when even Santa loses a Ho, he doesn't stop delivering presents and toys. He doesn't start tailgating traffic or cussing at the lights on the tree that won't light. (Not that anything like that ever happens in our families. Nope. Never.) He doesn't mock the food or complain about the quality of the hot cocoa. Nope, he just brings the other two Hos, and hopes that Two Is Enough.

So I'm going to channel, what I hope, is a little bit of Ruby this holiday season. I understand that Ruby was always a pragmatist - but that she also knew how to have fun. So I, for one, will do my part to bring the Ho this year. Though I'm stuck in Chicago an extra day due to weather, I'm going for a run, (because we all know endorphins are synonymous with Hos), and then I'm headed to the St. Paul's Christmas Eve candlelight service at 9, where I will sing with the other people manufacturing their own Hos.

In the meantime, do me a favor - don't lose your Ho this week, please?

Your families may be crazy, your wallets may be thin, you may be tired and cranky and mad that you didn't get quite the gift you wanted. But consider this: even without one of his three Hos, Santa is still lots of fun - and people are glad to see him! So let's all make like Santa this year - bring the Double Ho this year - or whatever you can manage - and make those around you glad you did...

Merry Christmas and Happy Ho-ing!

Why is Baby Jesus in the Manger?

2008-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

Saturday, I almost wrecked my car driving past Loyola University in Chicago. Loyola is right up the street from my house, and I was driving a friend home when we passed the Nativity display.

"Why is baby Jesus in the manger?" I yelled, slowing to stare, indignant as we drove by.

"What do you mean? It's Christmas time. Of course he's in the manger!" she told me.

After debating the merits of the very large camels (which looked suspiciously like horses) next to the manger, we got into a pretty spirited debate.

I explained to her that baby Jesus doesn't go in the manger until Christmas morning. At which point, she looked at me like I had lost my mind. "Why would you wait?" she said. "They're not going to go out there and put him in the manger on Christmas morning. That's crazy."

Maybe she has a point. But I explained that where I come from, it's a big deal - baby Jesus doens't join the party until Christmas morning. You know, LIKE THE SCRIPTURE SAYS. Growing up, I remember some serious anticipation as to which of us would have the honors (it was even more special because my mom's dad had made the manger and the fences by hand that sat beneath our Christmas tree each year.) But then I wondered - if that's just a Catholic Cincinnati thing - what other "baby Jesus in the manger" things had Cincinnati given me?

Well, for one, there's my obsession with bakeries. This is probaby due partly to my dad - who can tell you the nearest bakery in any town within 10 minutes of arrival. But in Chicago, where the bakeries are spread across many, many neighborhoods, it's taken me years to develop the Bakery Inventory. For example, the best place to go for sugar cookies is Breadsmith on Wells in Old Town. Cupcakes? Sweet Mandy B's. Donuts? Hmm... That's hard. Nothing compares to Lawrence Bakery in Cincinnati - seriously, NOTHING is even close. But in a pinch, I'll have a Dunkin Donuts French Cruller (a Virginia Reel for those of you scoring in Ohio.) Chocolate Chip Cookies? Sue Van's on Lincoln south of Roscoe. Coffee Cakes? Dinkels. Only Dinkels.

And see, that little thing I just did? That's SCARY. But that's one of the things I loved about Cincinnati - and about mornings growing up. Dad would get up, drive to Lawrence Bakery (which was VERY far away from where we lived) and come home with donuts on Saturdays. Before we played soccer games. Hmmm. Maybe that's why those pounds add up now?

In addition to the Bakery Finder, I also picked up this other freakshow ability from my mother. From the time I was a kid, we'd go shopping. We'd wander through T.J. Maxx, or Marshall's, and skim the racks for good clothes that would be a true bargain. That's a West Side Catholic thing, partly. The knowing the best clothes thing - that's my mom. She's a rock star when it comes to finding the most expensive item on the rack - but not at the highest price. Trust me, you didn't need that tricky i-phone program if you had my mom on your side. She could tell you if it was a bargain - or not. And to this day, I can walk to a sale rack, and find the prettiest, most expensive item on markdown - by touch and feel. Now THAT is a useful skill.

Other Cincinnati-isms have left me over the years. For instance, I like food that has more than one flavor. (Was that mean?). And I drink beer produced by someone other than Coors, Miller, or Bud. I don't drive ten miles an hour when it snows or rains. (To be fair, they have more hills, but it's like a funeral procession sometimes when it snows there.)

But there are some parts of Cincinnati that will never leave me. I still want to spend my fun time with big groups of laughing, funny people, who remind me of my funny, crazy extended family. And I still want to stand in my mom's kitchen, smelling her great cooking. I want to catch up with my aunts and uncles and cousins and hear all about their incredible lives. And, yes, I still want to be the one who puts baby Jesus in the manger come Christmas morning.

My Kind of Workout Video

2008-12-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. As December 31 quickly approaches, and I contemplate another year beginning, I'm already in resolutionland. You know, that place where all things are possible, with dedication, hard work, and no alcohol? Yep. It's baaaa-acck.

This year (as with many years past) I have a vague and fuzzy idea of what I'd like to look like come December 31, 2009. It involves a designer blue dress, platinum blonde hair and some nice new heels, and, of course, somewhere in the background is a tall, kind gentleman hanging around.... To get there (the dress part, not the man), I'll need to do that whole eat less and exercise more thing. Right?

Right. Well...no one said I had to start today, did they? Because I don't think tonight's feast will help get me to goal, but it does allow me to share one of my favorite recipes: Go here for the best stovetop mac and cheese on the planet - courtesy of Cooking Light. To make it even lighter, I skip the condensed milk, substitute whatever whole grain/muffin I have in the fridge, and use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray on the crumbs. (See, I know how to cut fat and calories!)

Anyway, apart from that digression, the key for me is always finding the motivation to get in a workout. Given my current "Leisure Tour" status, I've got lots of time on my hands, so that's no excuse.

I contemplated going back to the gym, and renewing my membership there. On the one hand, they have classes every night, and day, and I could easily spend four hours wandering around every day, getting buff.

On the other hand, the last time I tried a class, I found myself doing a Downward Dog while trying to hold onto my Upward Tank Top while my Expanding Girth demonstrated itself to all of Ashland Avenue during rush hour. Let's just say I wasn't exactly graceful. Nix that idea.

And I do run most weekends with my running group, training for one race or another. If I commit to doing my mid-week runs with them, I should actually be prepared for the next race I run....

But the question remains, how do I make fitness a 6 day a week commitment? Because that's what it takes to make a new habit, right? Well, today, I found found a secret weapon.

You've seen them on TV. You've watched them whip fattys into shape for 7 seasons. You've wondered if what they do is legal. Now, they're in my living room.

Yes, that's right. Bob, and Jillian - trainers from The Biggest Loser - have come to kick my ass. Tonight, while browswing at Target, my friend spotted the Biggest Loser Power Sculpt cardio torture DVD. And I bought it.

I came right home, whipped up a batch of heart attack Mac, and watched what Jillian did to the first group of trainees.

Bartender? Oh Bartender???

First, the video takes away any excuse I might have, by putting LOTS of overweight people in the room. Like, former Biggest-Loser contestants who are certainly not fattys anymore. (I know, I had to look them up after the one girl, who looked to be about my size in four months, caught my attention). And what's better - the backup chorus of workout fattys - they TOTALLY suck it up on this video! They hold their dumbells the wrong way, they do the exercises wrong half the time - all sorts of stuff that I would absolutely do in any class I attended. In short, they look like born again gym virgins - like they've sort of been through this before, but they need a little help with...well, you get the idea. Sure, there was a time when I was pretty faithful to my old friend the YMCA weight bench, but that's been about 5 years now, and I need some instruction without the harsh glare of new-years hardbodies with much cuter outfits than mine.

So the good news about the video: I felt right at home!!! These are my people!!! The only difference is that they DO seem to be able to jump from a plank position to a standing sun salutation, which I could not do unless threatened with a hot poker. But that will apparently come with time.

In support of my new obsession, I've taken the calendar that my friend gave me with the gorgeous pictures of her son E, and I'm marking down JAK days (short for Jillian Ass Kicking), interspersed with the run training I'll have leading up to the half marathon in January. My goal is to complete weeks 1-4 without throwing up or giving in. I'll report back out in 4 weeks and let you know how that's going...

But for now, I'll just be excited that I get to find a new way to workout - without the audience, the pressure, or, god forbid, the passing traffic of Ashland Avenue. Ruby might be proud of my modesty, but I suspect she'd be even more proud that I was tryin again....

Rule No. 4 - Use Your Lifelines

2008-12-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a few seasons since "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" was a big hit. But one of my favorite things about that game show was the "Lifeline" concept. Lucky souls reaching the limits of their own knowledge could phone a friend, ask the audience, or remove one of the multiple choice options. Each contestant could call on the three lifelines - but once called on, the contestant determined the Final Answer.

Unemployment Lifelines are very similar to the ones Regis gave Sheila from Topeka when she couldn't remember the capital of India. Faced with real-life limits - where to apply, which job to highlight on the resume, what to wear to the next interview - friends can be the lifeline you need.

My Lifelines cross a few different areas in my life. First, there's Runners World - those friends who call and make sure I'm showing up to our Saturday runs, or make sure that I'm running during the week. Then there are the Powerbrokers, who connect me with their headhunters, open jobs, friends who know friends who know people who are hiring, etc. There are also the GossipGirls - my friends who keep me going with tales of fun, gossip, intrigue and entertainment from old jobs. And there's Unemployees Anonymous - the group of those at home who band together to make the most of our wide open calendar. There's also my family - immediate and extended, who check in regularly and are never afraid to share a few laughs.

In one week, I might call on a Lifeline every day - or multiple times a day. Today, for example, the LipGloss Jungle (the slightly less high-powered version of Brooke Shield's group of girlfriends) all agreed to sign up for the Biggest Loser Pound For Pound Challenge. We commited to losing a certain amount of weight by next April - to not only look better for ourselves, but to raise money for Feeding America, (where one of the LipGloss Girls is a guru, and raises money to feed those who don't have enough to feed themselves). Talk about a Lifeline - when you're home all day, that weight...well..let's just say this butt could use the motivation....and the thought that by losing weight, I'll be feeding someone else... well..that's just too good to be true.

And that's not all for the Lifeline activity today - two PowerBrokers shared leads on new jobs that I called. Now the lead - it may go somewhere - or nowhere at all. But using those contacts is priceless, and something I couldn't have done on my own.

Of course, doing something with the Lifelines that are thrown my way is still MY obligation. Just like the game show, at the end of the day, Sheila from Topeka had to determine whether the capital of India was Mumbai or New Delhi. (It's New Delhi for those who are curious). It's still up to you [me] to find a new job, interview well, lose fourty pounds, and all that good stuff....but, when all those things happen, your friends feel just a little better too that they helped you out.

So don't be afraid to call the Lifeline....or to be one. We all need one, every once in awhile.

Just When You Thought...

2008-12-15T17:53:00.001-08:00

I really hoped that yesterday's post would be the end of the crazy profiles in my Match.com inbox - but today, there's more! Like a Ginzu knife commercial that just never ends, today we present, THE ENCORE!

This post will be brief - it pretty much speaks for itself :) It began with another wink...and let me say, that while he says he's a 38 year old who meets my height requirements, he still looks like he's 50....sorry dude....

I would love to meet a person who enjoys living a green lifestyle, eats organics, [OKAY, SO HE'S GREEN, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT]
enjoys good movies, nonviolent, [DOES DRIVING AGGRESSIVELY QUALIFY?]
friendly, caring of all people, [IS NOT CONCERNED WITH PROPER GRAMMAR...AGAIN]
likes to volunteer, supports breastfeeding, [WHA??]
and loves listening to good music. [AND DOESN'T MIND MEETING MY THERAPIST BEFORE WE START DATING].

Willing to go to Lolly, [DUDE, THE COOL KIDS CALL IT LOLLA..]
dance at Neo, [RECOMMENDED AGE TOPS OUT AROUND 28, BUT SEE HOW HIP I AM?]
go to a street festival, go hiking in MI/WI, skiing downhill [UPHILL SKIING IS FUN, BUT WAIT...],
cross-country skiing [BECAUSE JUST SAYING "SKIING" WOULDN'T WORK?],
playing board games with friends over a glass of wine or beer, cuddling, holding hands, [NEEDY]
watch a movie in Grant Park, [SUMMER!]
carve pumpkins, [FALL!]
swim in Lake Michigan [SUMMER!],
have a sandwich in the woods,[FALL!]
taste wines at a local winery or tasting wearing T-shirts, [SUMMER!]
eat at Swedish breakfast places [WINTER! BUT ONLY FOR THE SWEDISH],
check out the volcanos of Iceland, [OTHER VOLCANOS PALE IN COMPARISON]
have a salmon fished out of a Norweign Fjord [AND SHIPPED TO ME VIA FEDEX]
skip through Jerusalem, [WTF? WHO SKIPS THROUGH JERUSALEM?]
have a beer in Edinborough [BECAUSE SCOTLAND IS THE HOME OF GREAT BEER]
and debate politics in France [YOU FORGOT SWIMMING NAKED IN A CANAL IN VENICE]

His Headline: Looking for Caring, Kind, Fun Granola.

I'm sure she's out there. The question is, why did he wink at me? I am clearly not caring, kind or fun, and while I camp and hike, I'm not exactly granola....

Oh well. At least it was entertaining :)

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This...

2008-12-14T15:48:00.000-08:00

Long ago I realized that mothers can't teach you everything you need to get through life. But lately, I've had quite a few moments where my mental manual came up short. I'd find myself sorting through my repertoire of witty comebacks, solutions, and get out of jail free cards, only to find myself still standing, confused at whatever was happening, scratching my head like "what the he-all was that?"

Case in point. Just now, I was perusing the fine selection of young to middle aged men on Match.com. The way Match.com works, either party can email the other - or, if you're chicken, you can "wink" at the other person. The Wink is used to express your interest without drafting an email laced with misspellings and punctuation errors. The Wink is supposed to be the virtual equivalent of - of course - a wink - but more accurately for today's age: a guy holding The Look for a moment too long in a crowded bar. Riiiight.

The metaphorical Wink breaks down slightly in the virtual world. Why? Because unlike that crowded bar, you've got to figure out whether to Wink back...and the only way to do that is to read their "profile" to see whether he's short, bald and fat (virtually speaking). To illustrate, I've copied one of the profiles for a guy who winked at me today (with my editorial included in caps.) As you'll see from the profile, it can easily result in some head-scratching.

Profile Name: BombontheHead. (SERIOUSLY? THAT'S YOUR PROFILE NAME?)
Just joined match.com and this is all new to me. (NO, REALLY?)
Its cold outside and im looking for a cuddle partner. (TRANSLATION: HOOKUP)
Im into honest open minded woman. (GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION NOT IMPORTANT)
Im ready to give match.com a try and see where it goes. So lets become friends and take it from there. (BUT NOT REALLY...KEEP READING)
I am only looking to talk to those who are looking to meet in person. Its doesnt take 2 weeks to meet in person. (BECAUSE WHAT MATTERS HERE IS WHETHER I FIND YOU HOT - NOT WHETHER YOU ARE GAINFULLY EMPLOYED AND HAVE A LIFE WHICH MIGHT KEEP YOU FROM MEETING MY HOT SELF)
If we meet walking down the street we would exchange numbers and more than likely hangout that night. (UNLESS OF COURSE YOU ENJOY LITERATE ADULTS)
Its like what would you do if a guy said lets send emails for a month and maybe we might, life is too short for maybe this maybe that. (WHY AM I CHANNELING TONY SOPRANO ALL OF THE SUDDEN?)
If you don't like to have sex at least once a week than we are not a match. (WHICH IS WHY WE'RE NOT WAITING TWO WEEKS TO MEET. I HAVE NEEDS, BABE)
Im not into 1 night stands i want a steady friend, pal, lover, and hanging out partner. (BECAUSE THIS SHIT TAKES WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO DEAL WITH - YOU NEED TO STICK AROUND ONCE I DEEMS YOU APPROPRIATORY).
Please give me a reason to cancel my match.com membership. (YOU BETCHA)

Uh, okay.

Growing up, not sure mom gave me the tools to handle that one. In person, she might have said "oh hell, just walk away. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Which is good advice. But this time, I've just mocked him here...and put a big "X" on him in the inbox. Hopefully that will keep the verbal assault to a minimum.

The good news is that such interesting men show up in real life, too. I met one last weekend in a parking lot in Evanston. I was on my way to see James Bond (the scrumptious Daniel Craig, of course) when one vertically challenged, angry young man exited his teeny tiny Audi to shake his fist at me and scream "what the f*ck!".

You see, I had made the mistake of flipping my lights at him, imploring him to go more than 2 miles per hour in the parking lot. When it happened, I was amazed that this little jerk thought that by jumping out of his puny car (which I could crush with my big SUV) that I would be intimidated. Apparently this gentlemanly tactic has worked before - but not this time. Channeling my innermost snotty, ass-kicking self, I rolled down my window and told him to get the bleep back in his car and drive - that there were twenty cars behind him looking for parking spaces, and his circling the lower deck wasn't helping anyone.

Surprisingly - he did! Perhaps he thought I was packing heat. Or maybe he thought I'd run him over. Either way, I was amazed that he even got out of the car to yell at me in person! Who DOES that? Ah, yes - small men driving cars DEFINITELY not made for Chicago winters.

I am, as always, amused by the ridiculousness of these guys. The upside is that when a non-crazy, literate, professional man appears in my inbox - it's like CHRISTMAS!!!!

And, since a nice-looking, professional man has just made one such appearance, I guess that means Santa's in the building! I'm off to buy presents.....

The Soundtrack of Your Life

2008-12-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of bubblegum pop music. I'll admit it - I like the harder stuff sometimes - The Killers, Pearl Jam, Great Big Sea, and even an occasional Neil Diamond song - but rarely do I throw down with something as distatestful as Fergie.

And yet, she sings the song that makes me strut down ice-filled streets, tossing my soccer mom hair and swinging my expensive purse over my shoulder. That song? Yes, you know it -G-L-A-M...O-R-OUS....

"I'm flyin first class, up in the sky, sipping champagne, living the life...in the fast lane...I'm Glamorous...Glamorous (flossy, flossy? what is flossy, flossy, anyhow????)"

Setting aside the horrific grammar, and the fact that I have no clue what "flossy, flossy" means, it's mostly the beat that I love. Because, let's be real - I have flown first class occasionally, but it was ONLY on a points upgrade OR where the seat cost me $20. Oh, and there was that one trip home from Paris (thanks, Liz and Mom for losing your clothes for the whole trip!!!) So it's not the "living the life" part that I enjoy about the song. In fact, it's what the song does for me, courtesy of Tim Gunn, that I enjoy.

You see, Tim Gunn is a Guru (Capital G). An early fan of "What Not To Wear" - the British Version - I caught Tim's show last year (check it out here: http://www.bravotv.com/Tim_Gunn/season/2/index.php). In addition to remaking a woman's wardrobe, in 60 minutes, he also re-engineers self-esteem for the makeover victim - and had a great little tip I still carry.

Oh stop laughing over there. Yes, even I occasionally need a little bump in this department (somewhere, my sister is reading this and rolling her eyes.) In any case, Tim recommends that every woman have their own personal soundtrack to rock to as you roll through life.

Note that The Soundtrack differs from the Theme Song, the Power Song, or the Power Ballad. (Personally, those would be Shut Up and Sing, Beautiful Day, and - oh hell, what's my Power Ballad? Doesn't that require a relationship in this decade?)

Anyway, The Soundtrack is meant to do one thing, and one thing only: provide the music inside your head when you're streetwalkin. (Not THAT kind of streetwalkin.) For example, when you're on your way to that meeting you don't want to go to, or the train you don't want to catch, or the date you cannot BELIEVE you are on time for - you need a little motivation, you cue up The Soundtrack. You don't think it works? Get up, walk out of that cube, and put the most butt-kicking song in your head. Now go to the door of the person in your office you just can't stand. Tell me that's not easier with The Soundtrack in the background. I swear, it's better than the Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak. In one moment, you become unimpeachable (unless you're Rod Blagoyovich).

Everyone needs their own soundtrack. Me, I'm a Glamorous girl. It works for me. I can't say what will work for you, but you should give it a shot. And while I don't know what Ruby's Soundtrack might have been, I do know that my mother's begins and ends with some Aretha Franklin. My bet would be on R-E-S-P-E-C-T...Find out what it means to me....!

Bulk Purchases and the Single Girl

2008-12-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, just a few notes here to update the world on the non-unemployment related aspects of life.

First, I'd like to admit that I'm using my Stability Ball as an ottoman. Probably not what Pottery Barn had in mind when they made this wingbacked chair.

Second, I might be turning into a carrot. Or an apple. In an attempt to watch my coinage, I purchased ten pounds of carrots (not baby, the real thing) and 12 Jonagold apples this week, from Dominick's and Costco, respectively. I needed fruits and veggies which were relatively cheap, and I scoured the per pound pricing like a woman with ten children. I felt pretty good about those purchases (better, say, than the Baked Lays Cracker Crisps - also known as CRACK for their finger-licking spice concoction which I can't seem to quit.)

Now, the carrots are pretty versatile. Stirfry, carrot sticks, shavings for veggie wraps - they really do the trick quite nicely. But the apples? All I really want to do with them is make muffins, and that's just WRONG. Sure, I can add them to oatmeal and slice them up with lunch, but really - I'm just not that into them.

So next week, we bulk purchase only vegatables. Who needs fruits, anyway?

Rule No. 3 - Have a Plan

2008-12-10T07:08:00.000-08:00

It might seem odd that the first Unemployment Rule related to actually finding a job is Rule No. 3. Somewhere, Ruby is clucking, thinking that her smart granddaughter must be pretty dumb to have forgotten about actually FINDING a job. But then again, she knew something her peers didn't when she opened those two (TWO!) bars in Cincinnati in the 50s and 60s. She knew that to be successful, you have to have a plan. I'm pretty sure she didn't purchase every single wine, spirit and brew on the market when she opened her doors. But sometimes, that's what job searching feels like - if you just place an order for every job you MIGHT be qualified for, you'll be successful. But just like wasted alcohol, wasted time searching for a job is a sin. So thinking about your plan - and how you're going to make the most of your skills and experiences - matters.

As a two time survivor of "The Break" I can say that finding that next job requires preparation - and hard work. You must know the kind of job - or job(s) you want. You must be able to explain the skills, strengths, and attitudes you will bring to the job. You also need to explain what you learned from the last job (and no, I've found "Don't work for crazy bitches" doesn't go far.) And perhaps, most important, you need to understand whether this job is what you AND the employer both need.

Those are very hard things to figure out when you're on your couch surfing the web. Hence, The Plan. When you first go on The Break, you might be tempted to apply for any job with the word "Salary" in the description. Probably not the best idea. And yet, being the guy who refuses to look at jobs that have slightly lower qualifications might be a mistake too.

So somewhere, you're going to need a plan to find a company, who has a job, where you can be of help.

Your plan can take several forms. My plan has three approaches.
1. Find a Headhunter.
First, I make a list of the skills and subject matter areas that I've become good at. I look at them, and decide which ones I think I might want to continue doing. Then, I call a few headhunters. I like to use people who've worked with friends before, because I know they're successful and have good networks. I set up a few meetings, and walk through the different skills and experiences - and I let them go to work.

2. Find the companies you want to work for.
Next, keeping in mind the types of positions I want, I research the lists of companies I'd want to work for. Crain's Chicago Business publishes a list each week - Private Companies, Public Companies, Law Firms, Places You Can Wear Crocs To Work and Not Get Mocked, etc. Then I identify the person responsible for the department I'd like to work in (law, corporate responsibility, compliance, internal audit, etc.), do some research on the work THEY have done, and write them an letter. Yes, a letter. I include my resume with it, explain what I'm looking for, and send it via that big blue box at the end of the street. This approach was completely lifted from "What Color Is Your Parachute" - a guide which I swear by now. (If you need a detailed Excel chart to analyze the excercises, contact me - I'll send you mine.) I recommend a double-dip with this approach - visit the company's website and apply to any open positions. This approach has gotten me in the door before - and I've ended up with final interviews because of it - but it does take work.

3. Surf the job site that works for you.
Monster, LawCrossing, The Ladders, NPO.net, Idealist.org are all job sites that offer a wide range of positions. Again, I look for jobs that match my skill and experience. I set some detailed search criteria, have the results mailed to me daily. Then, I probably spend two hours a day drafting cover letters and tweaking resumes for the new position. (Hint: you MUST include the job description posted in the "Objective" section of your resume to get through the HR filters at the company.) While the success rates for these applications are low, I cross-refernece each application with my connections on LinkedIn - (if you're not on the professional networking site, get on it, stat!) and forward resumes to contacts at the same company, asking them to send along to the hiring manager.

Eventually, you'll get some hits. You'll start interviewing; and you'll find a job that fits your background. As Ruby might have said, (and hell, I'm just making this part up) what's important here is finding a job, yes - but it's also about surviving the experience - and emerging, if anything, stronger than when you went in.

Rule No. 2 - Do Something New. Every Day.

2008-12-09T16:03:00.001-08:00

The second rule for unemployment is critical to maintaining your sanity.

Once you're on a "Break" you find that days can dissolve into marathon John and Kate Plus Eight (best.show.ever.) or West Wing sessions. Or, maybe, you just can't put down that Graham Greene novel that you were supposed to read two years ago.

For me, I like creating a few small hurdles to overcome in a day. Keeps me focused on something (other than staring at Monster, setting up phone screens, or constantly tweaking the resume). Seriously. Have you ever tried to make International Tax Consulting sound interesting? My success rate there rivals my marathon completion rate - zero.

Anyway, Rule No. Two creates small, but meaningful challenges - which have a marketable result. The rule is simple: do something new every day.

Disarmingly simple, the rule gives you two benefits: 1) it likely gets you out of the house - which, as mentioned yesterday, is a good thing. Myopia gets you nowhere - in fact, I'd argue it makes you more likely to feel desperate and willing to jump at the first (not necessarily best) job offer. Second, doing something new gives you something to talk about with family, friends, networking contacts - relieving conversational pressure (for them and you).

Yesterday, I did something I've not done before: visited the Conrad Sulzer Regional Library in Chicago. It's in Lincoln Square, it's huge, and yes, the first floor on the North end smells like feet. Or people who don't necessarily follow Rule #1 (showering before noon). On the other hand, there are many, many more books there than at the branch on my block; parking is plentiful; and there is an amazing video and audio collection. I checked out four new books, and ordered up two for delivery to my local library, all in all, not a bad day.

Today, the new thing was not so much fun. I hit up the unemployment office on Lawrence Ave. for my dole money. Turns out, I'm not the only one there. The rumpled man who lead 6 of us through our session told us that he's seen 400 claims a day for the past few months. Of the people in the room with me, only one was told they didn't have a legitimate claim. I wonder what they did that was new today.

Looks like there is a growing market for the rules.

Rules for Unemployment: 1. Shower Before Noon

2008-12-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

I've never seen a list of Rules for Unemployment. Which is odd, because here in America, we have rules for everything.

On my bookshelf, right now, there are a myriad of books which tell me how to behave in any given situation. There's "First, Break All the Rules", a book about getting ahead in corporate America. There's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus", telling men and women how to interact with one another for maximum effectiveness. There's "Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office" which teaches new rules for women's empowerment in the office (and clearly, I either missed a few of those or they just don't work.) And there's even "Walk Softly in the Wilderness", explaining how to behave when you hike, camp, and otherwise disturb nature as nature was intended.

So it would make sense that there are rules for how to behave when you're unemployed. Right?

Well, if they exist, they have most certainly not ever been given to me - either by the kind but firm HR professionals who've coordinated my exit; by the pleasant but overwhelmed retirees manning the desk at the Unemployment Office; or by friends, colleagues, or parents who've been through it before. So somewhere along the line, I came up with my own rules (shocking, I know) and truly, I believe they've worked well.

I originally developed this list during my last "break" in continuous employment. It's important to note that said "break" occurred during the balmy summer months in Chicago, which may be why they're so optimistic. But as I got up this morning (my first day off payroll) I realized they're probably a good idea to resurrect. Now, in deference to Ruby, I'm sure that she never had to use any of these rules. Her rules were more in the vein of "make hair look perfect" or "ensure no dirty dishes in the sink" kind of thing. Mine - not so much. For the next few days, I'll share one or two a day - and you can let me know what you think.

Rule No. 1. Shower before noon.
Okay, from where you sit, this probably seems decadent. "Shower before noon! What is she, European? Of course, you shower before noon! There is work to be done! Resumes to send! Things to do!"

But alas, you forget one critical point: without an alarm, this body decides when it will rise. Today, that time was 10:00 a.m. Without even trying, I had slept away 2 hours of productive time. (And for those of you with unemployed friends at home, get used to the late rising. This is usually due to an inability to fall asleep at night, as one counts the ways in which one got themselves into, and can get themselves out of, "The Break".)

Today, I made up for the late rising by creating a new Excel spreadsheet to track employment opportunities, contacts, networking events, and the current status of all open applications. Then I sent off three letters/resumes, left a message for a new contact, reached out to a new headhunter and sent her a follow-up note, and polished up another resume. Then I sent thank you notes to the two contacts who had referred me to the people just mentioned. And, not surprisingly, when I looked up, it was 12:30. (And I, of course, was still in my Oklahoma tee shirt and lounging pants, my hair resembling a science experiment in oil and grease management.)

So you see, it's easy to break the "shower before noon" rule. Now, to be fair, no one but me has to know. But it's a standard I hold myself to in these times. Why? Because there's something about feeling like you're prepared to face the world that's important when you don't have a job to do each day. It's incredibly, alarmingly easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you must spend your day searching the Internet for new jobs and opportunities, and looking up at 5:00 p.m. to find you haven't left the couch. And let's be honest, the worst thing an unemployed girl needs is a new wardrobe because of correlative ass expansion due to inability to shower. Really.

So, now, at 12:57, I'm off to make up for the fact that I slept in like a drunkard this morning. I will run for 40 minutes. I will return those Netflix videos. I will Fedex the the package back to The Evil Company. I will meet those friends for dinner (networking, we call that.)

And then I'll contemplate Rule No. 2. Tune in tomorrow for that nugget of wisdom.

Ruby's Colored Glasses

2008-12-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

To the best of my recollection, I was about ten years old when someone figured out that I couldn't see very well. I have a memory of squinting quite a bit at the chalkboards at Our Lady of Visitation; of trying to pick out friends on the playground by the color of their coat; but mostly, I remember just wanting it to be easy to see clearly.

I remember my mom taking me to meet the eye doctor, and purchasing my first pair of contact lenses. Of course, there was some hideous eyewear purchased at that time. For years, I only wore my contacts because I was too embarrassed to wear frames. In fact, it was only about 10 years ago that I learned to use glasses as an accessory. Now, my second favorite place to shop is the eyeglass boutique on Lincoln. (And yes, there's probably a direct correlation between the fact that I can't fit into DKNY but I CAN purchase designer frames.)

The inventory keeps growing, but now, I love new glasses. I have a beautiful pair of French purple metallic frames with free-floating, cat-eye, asymetrical lenses. Then there's the pair of 2.5 gram plastic frames that, in my slightly blinded moments, make me believe I look like Nicole Kidman in The Interpreter (the frames, not the face, of course.) There are my current favorites: a brown tortoiseshell, square-framed set with a pink inlay that I'm never without. And then, there's the SUV of my glasses: the Smith Sliders - a black, lightweight athletic frame with interchangeable lenses. They've been on every athletic excursion with me in the past 5 years, and I wouldn't trade them for an entry into the Boston Marathon (with a permitted 10 hour finish, of course.) Because the coolest thing about them is that the interchangeable lenses come in three colors: dark (for sunny days); rose (for dawn and dusk); and yellow (for night, or low-light days).

I've always believed there are are positives and negatives to seeing clearly. Yesterday, I remembered the benefit of choosing the right color through which to view the world, too. I donned the low-light yellow lens Smiths for yesterday's 7:30 a.m. run along the lakefront, and two things struck me: first, it's amazing what manufacturing your own sunshine can do for a mood. It was, by all accounts, a tough day for a run. There were three fresh inches of snow on the ground, the wind was gusting at 25 MPH off the lake, and I hadn't run all week. But pulling those yellow lenses over my eyes, my world went from grey to sunny - in an instant.

Of course, they didn't quiet the heavy sounds of my feet, or the uh, slightly labored sound of my breathing (no, that's not a German shepard approaching, just me). Given my lack of recent training, nothing was going to make the run feel effortless. But the lighter feeling affordedby the sunny tint was - well - illuminating. It made Chicago feel more inviting; less grey. And that's damn nice on a day like yesterday.

As I headed North along the lagoon, I realized something else. I was struggling a bit, trying to get in a rhythm, and I found myself looking down at the path in front of me a lot. I do that sometimes, especially when I run alone and am feeling a bit - well, crappy. When I catch myself doing it, I try to remember some tried and true coaching advice. The advice is always the same: focus on a runner about 100 feet ahead; or a tree; or the skyline. In short: look up. Look ahead. Look someone in the eye. Don't put your head down. Don't hide. Tilt your chin up, put your shoulders back, and focus on something other than yourself.

For me that advice always, always works. Yesterday, three days away from leaving my dream job, one day away from a tense severance negotiation, I needed to focus on something else. So I looked up, and once again, the world opened. At first, it was routine. I said hello to some runners, and smiled - and they smiled back. (That always helps me out). I saw a group of people hitting the Saturday morning farmer's market at the Noteabart campus - and thought how brave they were to be out on a day like yesterday. And then came the really nice stuff.

In Lincoln Park, the leaves are all stripped from the trees; and the branches, in dark relief against the pale Chicago sky, are like a local Ansel Adams picture. And the Lincoln Park Zoo has an intricate sculpture that forms an archway, leading into the zoo, full of carvings that would entrance anyone not concerned with falling in the snow. I've run by that entrance hundreds of times - and until yesterday, I'd never noticed that sculpture.

And then there's General Grant. His bronze statue sits atop a small rise in the park, gazing down at the thousands, if not millions of people who come to visit Chicago each year. As I detoured from my route, running up along next to Grant, I found myself alone, staring at the skyline just South of me. I looked up at Grant, and smiled at the statue, where he sits with a straight back, and a chin tilted up, challenging someone to knock him off that horse. It was me and Grant there for a few minutes, and I'd be wrong if I didn't admit I was standing straighter when I left him.

I ran for sixty good minutes yesterday, and everything I saw, I saw clearly. And most of it got me thinking of something else other than me, and my life, and what I was feeling like at that very moment. Call it escapism, call it denial, call it rose-colored glasses. But when I find myself remembering all the good parts of that run, well, I think we could all use glasses like that sometimes.

Welcome to Ruby's View!

2008-12-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, there was always this picture of my mom’s parents that I loved. Black and white, it pictured my grandmother, seated in a pretty black suit, and my grandfather, standing behind her, just to the side. I think it was their wedding photo – but I’m not sure. She had 1940s hair that looked like she was meant to be kissing some boy just home from the war, and lips that said “notice me”. My grandfather stood behind her, in a perfectly pressed suit, young, with an open, proud, grown-up face. Her name was Ruby, and she looked like she knew exactly where she came from, and where she was headed. His name was Robert, and he looked damn proud to be standing behind her.

Later in life, they had two daughters, who went on to raise their own kids. I’ve never really sat down and talked to them about their mom – but Ruby’s daughters and granddaughters have always had an opinion – that if it had style, class, and humour, Ruby would have liked it. And if people around her had something to say about it, well, they were probably just misinformed.

It’s with Ruby in mind that I’m starting this blog.

This is what I know about Ruby: she always had my mom and aunt in great hats. She taught my mother that a good wool coat is priceless. She also ran a bar. Yep, actually, she owned it. (Owned a bar! This wasn’t 1990 – it was the 50s? 60s? Women didn’t do that!). She raised two daughters who supported themselves (and their families) their whole lives, and who, to this day, work.

More than that, she raised girls who weren’t afraid to figure things out for themselves; to make mistakes and start over; to be human; and to laugh at yourself (and others when merited).

So in that spirit, this place will be my (mostly) humorous view of the world around me. Sometimes you’ll get sappy, but mostly you’ll get what I got from Ruby, and my mom – and my aunt, cousin, and sister...an ability to view the world through a prism that says “Don’t you wish you saw things the way I do?”.

Welcome to Ruby’s View.