There are days when I thank God I don't have kids (yet?). I wonder how I would explain a lot of things. Corruption. Greed. Why bad things happen to good people. Why Hillary Clinton could never seem to find a flattering pantsuit.
But this week, mostly, I wonder what parents are telling their kids about the Illinois Governor, Rod "I keep my comb close to me at all times" Blagojavich. At first, I thought it was complicated to explain to kids. Do you guess about what the man's problems are? Assume he's crazy? Immoral? Raised by the Mob? How would you explain the ethical, moral, and fashion violations of a man with such big hair?
In times like these, I like to think "outside the box". Enter my two hypothetical children, for a little illustrative chat.
"You see Bobby, this is what happens when you never share with others. When he was little, Rod would never let go of his toy in the sandbox unless you gave him yours first."
(I'm not sure how I feel with "Bobby" as my son's name...but I'm going to go with it.) Cute, blonde Sandy taps me on the shoulder, not to be left out of my imaginary tale.
"But Mom, why didn't Rod's Mommy and Daddy teach him how to share? They must have SUCKED as parents!" Bless her heart. She's picked up my sense of sarcasm.
"That's right Sandy, and they also forgot to teach him something else: how to work hard. You see, Rod got started early by running a gambling ring in the suburbs, but he got out of that pretty quick. And then he learned that you get very, very far in Chicago when you just keep smiling and taking things from other people. And what has Mom taught you? That when all you learn how to do is take, and not give, you always get in trouble!"
"What kinds of things did he take, Mom?"
"Well, he told doctors that they can't have a hospital to treat sick kids until they gave him a lot of money. You see, Rod needed more money because he wanted to stay Governor, (he was scared to find another job, where he had to work hard!) and so he thought it would be real easy to get it from people who just wanted to save sick kids. They needed Rod's permission to build a hospital - and he told them he wouldn't give them some tax money until they gave him their allowance. Does that sound right to you?"
Incredulous stares. Even fake kids know this is bad.
"Rod also didn't learn how to not listen when people said things about him. You know how sometimes, people say things that you don't like? Remember, Sandy, when Emma said your shoes looked like Tonka Trucks? What do we say when that happens?"
"Turn the other cheek!" shouts Sandy.
"You get farther with a tablespoon of sugar than you do with a pound of salt!" adds Bobby.
I smile. "That's right! But Rod, instead of doing that, when the people at the newspaper did things he didn't like, he told them he would take away their money, which was going to help their business."
"Can he do that?" said Bobby. "That doesn't seem right!"
"Well, he can - but only by doing some really shady things."
"Wow, Mom. He must be grounded for life. I bet he doesn't have any friends."
"Well, he does have friends, but you know, they have problems too. There's a man named Roland Burris, who took one of those toys that Rod gave him, even though EVERYBODY knew that Rod had stolen that toy, and Roland, he's mad, because he SAYS he thought Rod was just being nice, giving him that toy. But the toy, it's someone else's. And Roland doesn't want to give it back."
Sandy looks confused.
"But Mom, didn't you tell us that you learned in Criminal Law 101 that accepting stolen property over a certain value is a felony?"
Beauty of fake kids. They listen. "Yes, that's right. And what do you have to do when someone gives you a gift that they stole from someone else?"
"You GIVE IT BACK!" they shout! See, my two hypothetical children, they are geniuses.
My Governor, and my former Attorney General, not so much.
And that is something that I can't explain, not even to my hypothetical children.
Now about Hillary's pantsuits.
"Kids, I do have an answer for you on Hillary. Let's go turn on "What Not To Wear". This is a problem we CAN solve."
