Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This...

Long ago I realized that mothers can't teach you everything you need to get through life. But lately, I've had quite a few moments where my mental manual came up short. I'd find myself sorting through my repertoire of witty comebacks, solutions, and get out of jail free cards, only to find myself still standing, confused at whatever was happening, scratching my head like "what the he-all was that?"

Case in point. Just now, I was perusing the fine selection of young to middle aged men on Match.com. The way Match.com works, either party can email the other - or, if you're chicken, you can "wink" at the other person. The Wink is used to express your interest without drafting an email laced with misspellings and punctuation errors. The Wink is supposed to be the virtual equivalent of - of course - a wink - but more accurately for today's age: a guy holding The Look for a moment too long in a crowded bar. Riiiight.

The metaphorical Wink breaks down slightly in the virtual world. Why? Because unlike that crowded bar, you've got to figure out whether to Wink back...and the only way to do that is to read their "profile" to see whether he's short, bald and fat (virtually speaking). To illustrate, I've copied one of the profiles for a guy who winked at me today (with my editorial included in caps.) As you'll see from the profile, it can easily result in some head-scratching.

Profile Name: BombontheHead. (SERIOUSLY? THAT'S YOUR PROFILE NAME?)
Just joined match.com and this is all new to me. (NO, REALLY?)
Its cold outside and im looking for a cuddle partner. (TRANSLATION: HOOKUP)
Im into honest open minded woman. (GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION NOT IMPORTANT)
Im ready to give match.com a try and see where it goes. So lets become friends and take it from there. (BUT NOT REALLY...KEEP READING)
I am only looking to talk to those who are looking to meet in person. Its doesnt take 2 weeks to meet in person. (BECAUSE WHAT MATTERS HERE IS WHETHER I FIND YOU HOT - NOT WHETHER YOU ARE GAINFULLY EMPLOYED AND HAVE A LIFE WHICH MIGHT KEEP YOU FROM MEETING MY HOT SELF)
If we meet walking down the street we would exchange numbers and more than likely hangout that night. (UNLESS OF COURSE YOU ENJOY LITERATE ADULTS)
Its like what would you do if a guy said lets send emails for a month and maybe we might, life is too short for maybe this maybe that. (WHY AM I CHANNELING TONY SOPRANO ALL OF THE SUDDEN?)
If you don't like to have sex at least once a week than we are not a match. (WHICH IS WHY WE'RE NOT WAITING TWO WEEKS TO MEET. I HAVE NEEDS, BABE)
Im not into 1 night stands i want a steady friend, pal, lover, and hanging out partner. (BECAUSE THIS SHIT TAKES WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO DEAL WITH - YOU NEED TO STICK AROUND ONCE I DEEMS YOU APPROPRIATORY).
Please give me a reason to cancel my match.com membership. (YOU BETCHA)

Uh, okay.

Growing up, not sure mom gave me the tools to handle that one. In person, she might have said "oh hell, just walk away. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Which is good advice. But this time, I've just mocked him here...and put a big "X" on him in the inbox. Hopefully that will keep the verbal assault to a minimum.

The good news is that such interesting men show up in real life, too. I met one last weekend in a parking lot in Evanston. I was on my way to see James Bond (the scrumptious Daniel Craig, of course) when one vertically challenged, angry young man exited his teeny tiny Audi to shake his fist at me and scream "what the f*ck!".

You see, I had made the mistake of flipping my lights at him, imploring him to go more than 2 miles per hour in the parking lot. When it happened, I was amazed that this little jerk thought that by jumping out of his puny car (which I could crush with my big SUV) that I would be intimidated. Apparently this gentlemanly tactic has worked before - but not this time. Channeling my innermost snotty, ass-kicking self, I rolled down my window and told him to get the bleep back in his car and drive - that there were twenty cars behind him looking for parking spaces, and his circling the lower deck wasn't helping anyone.

Surprisingly - he did! Perhaps he thought I was packing heat. Or maybe he thought I'd run him over. Either way, I was amazed that he even got out of the car to yell at me in person! Who DOES that? Ah, yes - small men driving cars DEFINITELY not made for Chicago winters.

I am, as always, amused by the ridiculousness of these guys. The upside is that when a non-crazy, literate, professional man appears in my inbox - it's like CHRISTMAS!!!!

And, since a nice-looking, professional man has just made one such appearance, I guess that means Santa's in the building! I'm off to buy presents.....