Rules for Unemployment: 1. Shower Before Noon

I've never seen a list of Rules for Unemployment. Which is odd, because here in America, we have rules for everything.

On my bookshelf, right now, there are a myriad of books which tell me how to behave in any given situation. There's "First, Break All the Rules", a book about getting ahead in corporate America. There's "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus", telling men and women how to interact with one another for maximum effectiveness. There's "Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office" which teaches new rules for women's empowerment in the office (and clearly, I either missed a few of those or they just don't work.) And there's even "Walk Softly in the Wilderness", explaining how to behave when you hike, camp, and otherwise disturb nature as nature was intended.

So it would make sense that there are rules for how to behave when you're unemployed. Right?

Well, if they exist, they have most certainly not ever been given to me - either by the kind but firm HR professionals who've coordinated my exit; by the pleasant but overwhelmed retirees manning the desk at the Unemployment Office; or by friends, colleagues, or parents who've been through it before. So somewhere along the line, I came up with my own rules (shocking, I know) and truly, I believe they've worked well.

I originally developed this list during my last "break" in continuous employment. It's important to note that said "break" occurred during the balmy summer months in Chicago, which may be why they're so optimistic. But as I got up this morning (my first day off payroll) I realized they're probably a good idea to resurrect. Now, in deference to Ruby, I'm sure that she never had to use any of these rules. Her rules were more in the vein of "make hair look perfect" or "ensure no dirty dishes in the sink" kind of thing. Mine - not so much. For the next few days, I'll share one or two a day - and you can let me know what you think.

Rule No. 1. Shower before noon.
Okay, from where you sit, this probably seems decadent. "Shower before noon! What is she, European? Of course, you shower before noon! There is work to be done! Resumes to send! Things to do!"

But alas, you forget one critical point: without an alarm, this body decides when it will rise. Today, that time was 10:00 a.m. Without even trying, I had slept away 2 hours of productive time. (And for those of you with unemployed friends at home, get used to the late rising. This is usually due to an inability to fall asleep at night, as one counts the ways in which one got themselves into, and can get themselves out of, "The Break".)

Today, I made up for the late rising by creating a new Excel spreadsheet to track employment opportunities, contacts, networking events, and the current status of all open applications. Then I sent off three letters/resumes, left a message for a new contact, reached out to a new headhunter and sent her a follow-up note, and polished up another resume. Then I sent thank you notes to the two contacts who had referred me to the people just mentioned. And, not surprisingly, when I looked up, it was 12:30. (And I, of course, was still in my Oklahoma tee shirt and lounging pants, my hair resembling a science experiment in oil and grease management.)

So you see, it's easy to break the "shower before noon" rule. Now, to be fair, no one but me has to know. But it's a standard I hold myself to in these times. Why? Because there's something about feeling like you're prepared to face the world that's important when you don't have a job to do each day. It's incredibly, alarmingly easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you must spend your day searching the Internet for new jobs and opportunities, and looking up at 5:00 p.m. to find you haven't left the couch. And let's be honest, the worst thing an unemployed girl needs is a new wardrobe because of correlative ass expansion due to inability to shower. Really.

So, now, at 12:57, I'm off to make up for the fact that I slept in like a drunkard this morning. I will run for 40 minutes. I will return those Netflix videos. I will Fedex the the package back to The Evil Company. I will meet those friends for dinner (networking, we call that.)

And then I'll contemplate Rule No. 2. Tune in tomorrow for that nugget of wisdom.